Annoyed.
If I could use one word to describe how I feel about my life right now it would be that.
I feel like I'm runnin' circles. I can't seem to do anything and actually complete it. I. just. don't. care. I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. I wish I could take it all back. Everything I've ever said or done to make my siblings hate me so much. Or maybe i'll go back in time and stop myself from making excuses of why they aren't around. Its all just a waste of time. Today I found myself pondering the thought of why i'm even alive on more than one occasion. And now I really do wonder why. Why am I here? Every step I take goes backwards, i don't know what i'm headed towards.
So wake me up when its over.
I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough for anyone. I just wish there was someone I could share my heart with. To share my secrets with. Theres always my little cousin. But sometimes cousins can't fix broken hearts. I feel like writing is all I have. Hell, I feel alot of things.
Confusion.
Uncertainty.
Scared.
Frustrated.
Annoyed.
ALONE;
that word 'alone' lingers in my brain all day, everyday. it constantly haunts me and distracts me from living my life. so instead, i'm stuck in a nightmare...alone.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
there's no time for someone to save me.
Hello, Depression. How nice of you to visit me again.
Somehow, my life has spontaniously been flip-turned upside down. Everything seems backwards. I no longer attend Williamson High School. I attend Williamson Alternative High School. And I attend it with some of the craziest people I know. <3 But I've been starting to realize... maybe leaving High School wasn't enough? What if it wasn't quite enough to save myself.
I packed my bags again. I walked out my front door, and realized that I can't run away. I will NEVER be able to escape myself. The thought of that horrifies me. My mind is incredibly dangerous when i'm left alone. If I dissapeared, would anyone notice? Or would I just be another misunderstooden soul that silently faded into the darkness. I certainly hope for the best. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm stuck between being scared and not knowing. I'm stuck between the 'why's' and the 'what if's'.
My life is a joke. Pathetic. If I was someone other than myself, i would laugh at the thought of me. Sickening. Dull. Empty. I JUST WANT TO BE FREE. Sometimes I just wish this world would sink in the sea. I've been thinking of my little brother alot lately. I'm terrified for him. I know he has a mind of his own, but he is still developing a sense of right and wrong. I hope he ends up the opposite of me. I would never want him to go through what i have. The thought of that breaks my heart. My little brother means the world to me. If anything ever happened to him, I could never deal with it. If he ever left this earth, god forbid, i would probably try to leave to. I can't stand the thought of my life without him.
I want to reach out for help, but at the same time- i'm scared. I'm always scared. I don't know whats wrong with me but i know somethings not right. Actually, i'm not sure if anything is 'right'.
I feel torn apart from limb to limb. I don't know what to do. Help.
Somehow, my life has spontaniously been flip-turned upside down. Everything seems backwards. I no longer attend Williamson High School. I attend Williamson Alternative High School. And I attend it with some of the craziest people I know. <3 But I've been starting to realize... maybe leaving High School wasn't enough? What if it wasn't quite enough to save myself.
I packed my bags again. I walked out my front door, and realized that I can't run away. I will NEVER be able to escape myself. The thought of that horrifies me. My mind is incredibly dangerous when i'm left alone. If I dissapeared, would anyone notice? Or would I just be another misunderstooden soul that silently faded into the darkness. I certainly hope for the best. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm stuck between being scared and not knowing. I'm stuck between the 'why's' and the 'what if's'.
My life is a joke. Pathetic. If I was someone other than myself, i would laugh at the thought of me. Sickening. Dull. Empty. I JUST WANT TO BE FREE. Sometimes I just wish this world would sink in the sea. I've been thinking of my little brother alot lately. I'm terrified for him. I know he has a mind of his own, but he is still developing a sense of right and wrong. I hope he ends up the opposite of me. I would never want him to go through what i have. The thought of that breaks my heart. My little brother means the world to me. If anything ever happened to him, I could never deal with it. If he ever left this earth, god forbid, i would probably try to leave to. I can't stand the thought of my life without him.
I want to reach out for help, but at the same time- i'm scared. I'm always scared. I don't know whats wrong with me but i know somethings not right. Actually, i'm not sure if anything is 'right'.
I feel torn apart from limb to limb. I don't know what to do. Help.
Friday, September 3, 2010
i think i'll stay.
As I board the train, I look back and say my goodbyes to my little brother and my mother. I add a reassuring smile just before i turn my head and head up the stairs to board the train.
The train is large. Way bigger than I expected. I walk till I find a seat and sit down quietly, after loading my suitcase above my head. The train ride is long, i fall asleep about 4 times. Did I mention I was sitting next to a girl the same exact age as me? I look out the window and feel myself drifting into a deep sleep...suddenly awakened by a loud voice saying "Next Stop, Boston." I eagerly open my eyes and impatiently wait the 10 minutes which seems like forever.
The train stops. I grab my things and step off the train, looking around nervously. I don't know where im going so i follow a small group of teenage kids about the same age as me into a building the size of my hometown. A large yellow sign that says 'Mcdonalds' catches my eye. I'm hungry, so i walk over and set my stuff down at a table. I hesitantly walk over to the food area, and order my food. I nearly inhale my food and wait impatienty for my cousin to walk in.
Finally, i see her. We walk outside and i see Boston for the first time. An image that will be forever imprinted in my memory. Its like nothing ive ever seen, and i didnt want to take my eyes off of the city that seemed to open up a whole nother world for me.
I walk around Boston & try to imagine what my life would be like if i live there. The thought of it seems nearly impossible, its almost too good to be true. I wipe the thought out of my head and focus on the things around me. Beautiful people & a beautiful city. I close my eyes and feel at home.
Hard Rock Cafe. The first building i sat down in. The food was awesome, and the atmosphere was so friendly. I never wanted to leave. Its late and im tired. I drag my feet to the rental car and crash in the backseat, trying to ignore the strong urge to pee. The drive home takes forever. But i awake to the sound of a puppy barking and open my eyes, thinking its my dog and when i realize its not, i feel sad. I quickly wipe the feeling of sadness away and eagerly step into the place where i will be staying.
Its small, but its just perfect for a married couple and their dog. They apologize for the small area and lay an air mattress down, which is fine by me. I fall asleep and dream of my mother.
I awake the next day and i see Lindas face, i'm confused for a minute and realize, i have finally escaped from new york, and i smile.
It takes forever for Linda to get ready, but i feel a sense of comfort, she's just like my mom. The first place I go to is the Taunton mall. Its the same as any old mall, but akwardly it seems much, much better. The first and probably only place i go to( i dont remember) is Hollister. After i'm done spending my money, we head to my Aunt Irenes. I walk in the door and see my aunt irene, aunt dot, and cousin brian. And to the left of me is a table with plates and napkins set up, with birthday cards on the table. They're so sweet. It meant more to me then they will ever know. I meet my uncle eddy, and aunt jean. I love them, the way they talk, strangely reminds me of home. We have a little piece of heaven and laugh at aunt dots facial expressions, i will remember this moment forever.
Finally we go home, and i sleep. I wake up the next day and again, we go shopping. sundays not really important, but every day counts. Monday night I stay at my aunt irenes and visit her and my aunt dot. They make me feel so at home, and i love being around them. We wake up Tuesday and go out to lunch with my Aunt Irene, Evelyn, Dot, Uncle Billy and Eddy. And then we head off to the mall and then fort tabor. The ocean is beautiful, another thing i will never forget. I visit my Aunt Lorraine and the feeling i get is far from wonderful. i feel so bad and i want to leave the second i walk in. I look at my aunt and want to cry. Shes beautiful and i feel terrible that she spends her life sitting in a wheel chair. But on a brighter note, we order scrumptious pizza and share it with linda. Then, i go home and sleep.
Wednesday i visited Rhode Island, yet another beautiful state. We went to Providence place mall. And to Dave and Busters where i won a stuffed dog.
Thursday we went to Newport, Rhode Island to see the newport mansions. they were beautiful, the type of houses you dream about when you sleep. And then we went to the ocean, another place where i feel at home.
Todays friday, my last night here. And i think about everything thats happened. And i realize, i wouldnt change my life if it were the lasst thing i could ever do.
The train is large. Way bigger than I expected. I walk till I find a seat and sit down quietly, after loading my suitcase above my head. The train ride is long, i fall asleep about 4 times. Did I mention I was sitting next to a girl the same exact age as me? I look out the window and feel myself drifting into a deep sleep...suddenly awakened by a loud voice saying "Next Stop, Boston." I eagerly open my eyes and impatiently wait the 10 minutes which seems like forever.
The train stops. I grab my things and step off the train, looking around nervously. I don't know where im going so i follow a small group of teenage kids about the same age as me into a building the size of my hometown. A large yellow sign that says 'Mcdonalds' catches my eye. I'm hungry, so i walk over and set my stuff down at a table. I hesitantly walk over to the food area, and order my food. I nearly inhale my food and wait impatienty for my cousin to walk in.
Finally, i see her. We walk outside and i see Boston for the first time. An image that will be forever imprinted in my memory. Its like nothing ive ever seen, and i didnt want to take my eyes off of the city that seemed to open up a whole nother world for me.
I walk around Boston & try to imagine what my life would be like if i live there. The thought of it seems nearly impossible, its almost too good to be true. I wipe the thought out of my head and focus on the things around me. Beautiful people & a beautiful city. I close my eyes and feel at home.
Hard Rock Cafe. The first building i sat down in. The food was awesome, and the atmosphere was so friendly. I never wanted to leave. Its late and im tired. I drag my feet to the rental car and crash in the backseat, trying to ignore the strong urge to pee. The drive home takes forever. But i awake to the sound of a puppy barking and open my eyes, thinking its my dog and when i realize its not, i feel sad. I quickly wipe the feeling of sadness away and eagerly step into the place where i will be staying.
Its small, but its just perfect for a married couple and their dog. They apologize for the small area and lay an air mattress down, which is fine by me. I fall asleep and dream of my mother.
I awake the next day and i see Lindas face, i'm confused for a minute and realize, i have finally escaped from new york, and i smile.
It takes forever for Linda to get ready, but i feel a sense of comfort, she's just like my mom. The first place I go to is the Taunton mall. Its the same as any old mall, but akwardly it seems much, much better. The first and probably only place i go to( i dont remember) is Hollister. After i'm done spending my money, we head to my Aunt Irenes. I walk in the door and see my aunt irene, aunt dot, and cousin brian. And to the left of me is a table with plates and napkins set up, with birthday cards on the table. They're so sweet. It meant more to me then they will ever know. I meet my uncle eddy, and aunt jean. I love them, the way they talk, strangely reminds me of home. We have a little piece of heaven and laugh at aunt dots facial expressions, i will remember this moment forever.
Finally we go home, and i sleep. I wake up the next day and again, we go shopping. sundays not really important, but every day counts. Monday night I stay at my aunt irenes and visit her and my aunt dot. They make me feel so at home, and i love being around them. We wake up Tuesday and go out to lunch with my Aunt Irene, Evelyn, Dot, Uncle Billy and Eddy. And then we head off to the mall and then fort tabor. The ocean is beautiful, another thing i will never forget. I visit my Aunt Lorraine and the feeling i get is far from wonderful. i feel so bad and i want to leave the second i walk in. I look at my aunt and want to cry. Shes beautiful and i feel terrible that she spends her life sitting in a wheel chair. But on a brighter note, we order scrumptious pizza and share it with linda. Then, i go home and sleep.
Wednesday i visited Rhode Island, yet another beautiful state. We went to Providence place mall. And to Dave and Busters where i won a stuffed dog.
Thursday we went to Newport, Rhode Island to see the newport mansions. they were beautiful, the type of houses you dream about when you sleep. And then we went to the ocean, another place where i feel at home.
Todays friday, my last night here. And i think about everything thats happened. And i realize, i wouldnt change my life if it were the lasst thing i could ever do.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
16 years ago.
About sixteen years ago, a 'beautiful' portuguese little girl was born to Dennis & Kim by the name of Kelsey Marie.
I think back on my life, and realize, it's not so bad. It could've been better. But i know now that I wouldn't trade it for the world.
I have an okay family, for the most part. I have a nice big house, four acres of land and 6 acres of orchards to run around on and ride the fourwheeler on. I live in a beautiful place surrounded by trees. I have a nice pool and lots of people that love me.
I also realized that maybe i was taking my life for granted. Maybe i didnt realize what i truely needed was already right in front of me.
I dont have alot of friends, but thats okay by me. Cuz' the ones i have, man, they're great. ♥
I AM like everyone else, just a little different. I have two legs and two arms and a face just like everyone else. So what if my hair is short, that just makes me like no other person. I am unique and that doesn't bother me anymore.
I will beat this depression, if it's the last thing i do.
I will win.
I have scoliosis, so what? i'm more flexible than you :)
I have trichollatomania, so what? if i get hott and sweaty, i can take my hair off :) can you?
I have depression, so what? So does 90 percent of America.
I have anxiety, so what? Who doesn't these days.
This is who I am, whether you like me or not.
I'm just a regular 16 year old girl who wants the world to know her.
Like me or not. I'm still gunna shine.
I think back on my life, and realize, it's not so bad. It could've been better. But i know now that I wouldn't trade it for the world.
I have an okay family, for the most part. I have a nice big house, four acres of land and 6 acres of orchards to run around on and ride the fourwheeler on. I live in a beautiful place surrounded by trees. I have a nice pool and lots of people that love me.
I also realized that maybe i was taking my life for granted. Maybe i didnt realize what i truely needed was already right in front of me.
I dont have alot of friends, but thats okay by me. Cuz' the ones i have, man, they're great. ♥
I AM like everyone else, just a little different. I have two legs and two arms and a face just like everyone else. So what if my hair is short, that just makes me like no other person. I am unique and that doesn't bother me anymore.
I will beat this depression, if it's the last thing i do.
I will win.
I have scoliosis, so what? i'm more flexible than you :)
I have trichollatomania, so what? if i get hott and sweaty, i can take my hair off :) can you?
I have depression, so what? So does 90 percent of America.
I have anxiety, so what? Who doesn't these days.
This is who I am, whether you like me or not.
I'm just a regular 16 year old girl who wants the world to know her.
Like me or not. I'm still gunna shine.
Friday, August 6, 2010
To my nephew, Jaiden Michael.
Dear Jaiden Michael,
You've only seen me a couple times, but i hope you know that I love you so much. I may have not gotten to see you grow up for real, but i've watched you become more and more handsome every day through pictures. I hope someday i'll get the chance to get to know you. Your my only nephew right now, and it would mean the world to me if I just got to spend time with you. Your father is a good man, despite of the desisions he's made. I love your daddy and nothing will ever change that. I hope someday things will change and i'll finally be able to see my nephews bright blue eyes in person.
You look just like your father. I remember the first time I held you. You were so tiny and my heart melted knowing that finally, i was an aunt. And that was something that i had been wanting for a long time. But i didn't know that the title 'Aunt Kelsey' would be ripped away from me so soon. For something I didn't do. Despite what anyone tells you, i've always tried to be apart of your life. And you will always be my little nephew Jaiden Michael, you are my blood & nothing in the entire world can change that. 
I know that you will have a goood life. And I know your daddy and mommy want the best for you. I really miss you Jaiden.
Kisses & Hugs.
Love Aunt Kelsey.
You've only seen me a couple times, but i hope you know that I love you so much. I may have not gotten to see you grow up for real, but i've watched you become more and more handsome every day through pictures. I hope someday i'll get the chance to get to know you. Your my only nephew right now, and it would mean the world to me if I just got to spend time with you. Your father is a good man, despite of the desisions he's made. I love your daddy and nothing will ever change that. I hope someday things will change and i'll finally be able to see my nephews bright blue eyes in person.
You look just like your father. I remember the first time I held you. You were so tiny and my heart melted knowing that finally, i was an aunt. And that was something that i had been wanting for a long time. But i didn't know that the title 'Aunt Kelsey' would be ripped away from me so soon. For something I didn't do. Despite what anyone tells you, i've always tried to be apart of your life. And you will always be my little nephew Jaiden Michael, you are my blood & nothing in the entire world can change that. 
I know that you will have a goood life. And I know your daddy and mommy want the best for you. I really miss you Jaiden.Kisses & Hugs.
Love Aunt Kelsey.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
my favorite passtime.
Is riding around on the four wheeler with my best friend.♥
I love you, Chester♥ Sunday, August 1, 2010
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