plain&simple.

I've decided i'm going to start blogging at the end of each day. So let me tell you a little about my day.

I opened my eyes this morning at 7:30 AM and drug myself down the stairs and proceeded to make a cup of coffee. Then i sat at the computer, contemplating whether or not i should write something. I decided not to, so i finished my coffee, and headed up stairs. It was an early morning for all of us. We left the house at 9:00 and headed to 'Golds gym'. I took my second spin class and my legs felt like jello. I was so angry, "do it for jaiden" i kept repeating in my head. I wanted to see him, and it made me livid that i can't. So i kept on pushing as hard as I could. And I didn't feel any better afterwards. So i drug my feet into Wegmans with my family (even though i didn't want to, i'd rather do that than make a scene.) and shopped around for stuff for a cookout. Then, an hour or so later, we headed home. Meghan and her boyfriend were already sitting in the driveway when we arrived. We went swimming and it was alright I guess. It's just not the same anymore. I'm constantly struggling to look at the so-called 'bright side' of things... but I just can't seem to find it. I want to believe that my medicine is working, but deep down i know, medicine isn't going to fix me. The only person who can fix me is dead now. So, i went down with him. I miss my uncle so much. I think about him everyday. And its so sad because he didn't deserve this.

On a brighter note. I sit here now, and realize it could've been me, or my dad,mom,brother, whatever. Although it was almost unbearable to see my family fall apart from the death of my uncle, seeing my life fall apart would bring me down hard.

Do you ever get so tired that it feels like your eyes are glued together and you have to try really hard to open them? Thats how I feel. But i know if i go lay down, i won't fall asleep. There's too much to think about. Too much to stress over. I can't just be at peace. It's not that simple for me. I mean, i don't have a terrible life...but it could be atleast 3 times better.

"Sometimes your weakness' are your greatest strengths."

I am 15 years old & I was diagnosed with Trichollatomania, Depression, Mood Disorder, Panic Disorder, OCD, and Seperation Anxiety. Not to mention scoliosis, adhd, ect. But all of that is what makes me............me. I am not bald, but i wear a wig. The top of my head is brush cut, while the bottom is beautiful brown/auburn and curly. Its almost past my shoulders. I am the only one in my school that wears a wig. I get picked on almost daily. I wish they'd understand what it's like to have this. I am different.

I chose not to have friends, simply because it just makes my life easier.
Less drama, less fighting, less harassment, less stress.

I chose to be mouthy because I feel like my large mouth makes up for my small size.
I'm starting to learn that this is my life, and it's not going to change.

I am me.
Plain & Simple.

sisters by blood, bestfriends by choice.

It's 7:46. I'm up unusually early. I'm anticipating my trip to Massachusetts, which is coming up sooner than later. I've been talking to my parents about moving there and going to school. NY is full of idiots, as far as my opinion goes. Everyone is sound asleep upstairs, besides me. I wish my sister Danielle still lived with us, then maybe I wouldn't always feel so alone. Since me and my sister both 'really have issues!'.. then i guess that's the tie that binds us together. In our eyes, we look at each other as 'perfect'. Or at least that's how I see my sister Danielle. I miss the days where I would walk downstairs and find her sound asleep on the couch. I miss waking her up and asking her to go swimming, only to get turned down. I really do miss her sometimes. I wish we all didn't have to grow up so fast. Danielle is my BEST FRIEND and no one will ever replace her. When we both have kids were going to spoil the hell out of them. That's for sure. I love my sister.


I love you Dani!, all i need is you :)

summer lovin'.

Ah. There are many simple things that make me enjoy my summer.

-----------------------------------------
1. Long talks with my sister.
2. Swimming in the rain.
3. Ice cold Pepsi.
4. The lush grass that I get to mow!
5. Riding the fourwheelers
6. Cook-outs.
7. Bon-fires.
8. Trips to Massachusetts.
9. No school!
10. Stay up all night, sleep all day.
-----------------------------------------

I made sure that my summer is packed with fun, to distract me from all of the horrible things that have happened this year. Here are a few pictures that will sum up how it's been so far.
And now that i think of it, my life isn't all that bad.
Happiness never fails when you have people in your life like i do.
♥

change.

Once I get going, I really start thinking. I'm home alone again. Pa just picked up Robby. So he'll be gone for atleast a couple hours. It's just me and Chester. I sit here and examine my house, it's so beautiful. It reminds me of a cabin in the woods. It's 80 percent wooden. And It always smells like fresh laundry. My phone is sitting beside me, and i'm wondering when someone will call. I am contemplating on what I should get my mother for her birthday, which is tomorow. I think i'm gunna have Dad help make me a scrap book. She loves stuff like that. I've been thinking about Massachusetts alot lately. I wonder if I should be sitting on a computer in New Bedford, or Acushnet, or Taunton. Instead of NY. It makes me think about how fast my feelings change. I went from loving NY to wanting to leave it every second of everyday.

My feelings have always been a fast changing chain of reaction. If that makes sense, it's hard to find words that will describe me and my life.

For some odd reason, that reminds me of something that almost everyone seems to imagine.
PARADISE.....

You know how most people imagine it as standing on the edge of where the water and beach meet, feeling the cold water on their feet. Feeling the warm breeze flowing through their pores.
Well, mines a little bit different. NY used to be my paradise, it was good for a moment, and then it wasn't. Things change. Now, my paradise is at my home, in Massachusetts. With family, with laughter, with nice people at a fast pace, everyones so friendly, the boston accent which i'm very fond of, the good food, the cute clothes, the everything. Thats MY paradise.

A wise word in Portuguese.

"melhore uma cara vermelha, do que um coração preto."
translation; "better a red face, than a black heart."

On the ride home from Seabreeze with my Father yesterday, i realized something that i've never thought of before. I am not a bad person. My heart is kind, but my temper is dangerous. I am one of the most forgiving people you will ever meet. You can do anything to me, and i'll forgive you if you just apologize & give me an expanation.

There is this one beautiful person that I know, and she just so happens to be my older sister. She is one of the most gracious people I know & she reminds me so much of our grandmother. I am so proud of her. She has gone through alot and she still manage to keep her head up, with the biggest smile painted on her face that you'll ever see. Now, I know this may not make sense, but i only wish i grow up to be like her.

Another wonderful person I know is my grandmother, Mary Lou Couto. She is one of the most incredible people I know. She worships the Lord and she never complains. If I could use one word to describe my grandmother it would be 'satisfied'. She has a beautiful family and great grandchildren that love her to shreds! I have never once heard my grandmother scold me or yell. She always displays a patient demeanor and she handles every situation with kindness, patience, love, and care.

These people are a rare breed. I only hope I can be like them some day.

Before...

Tonight I find myself stumbling upon some old videos of me. BAD IDEA. I immediatly start crying. It comes spilling out as I look at me and all of my siblings playing soccer in my front yard as if nothing could ever make us mad at eachother. I was so happy. And it's sad because i don't even remember it. All I have is the videos. When i was young, i was always wishing I could grow up faster. I thought life would be better if I had more freedom. If I would have known what was in store for me and my family, i wouldn't even fathom the thought of wanting that. If i knew that I would lose everything that i had, i would NEVER want to grow up. Now, i just want it all back. Even if its for a day, an hour, a minute.....I would give up everything I have now, to try to live my childhood again. And this time, it would turn out alright.

I miss it. My parents are constantly doing things to change our house, I HATE IT. Everything that they change, is taking away memories that i have. I miss our ugly miscolored rug in our living room, and our freezing leather couches with boogars plastered all over the side from my little brother. I miss the woodstove, and the old barn in my backyard. And our ugly stone driveway. And our little blow up pool.
Everything was worn down, and that was how i liked it. It was ME. My childhood. And now its gone.

Everything.
Gone.
Just like that.

b r e a t h e

Stop. Breathe. Just breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Simple? Right? No. Not at all. Not one bit.


As I quietly sit here, I try to tell myself that everything will be okay. Even though deep down, i'm doubting that thought. My fingers hit the keyboard softly, like a whisper. Everyone's still sleeping, except me. Thats something i've been finding to be quite difficult. I'm worried. Why am I not sleeping? Is something wrong with me? Or could it be that my days not complete? Or the simple fact that my mind just never stops. I am awake for a reason. I must be avoiding something. It's too hott. I often find myself lying in front of the AC, not remembering how i got there. I had lucky charms for breakfast, not very satisfying. But for the moment, it'll do. My mother is still asleep. She sleeps like a baby. Or atleast thats how it seems. Dad has already gotten up for work, poor guy. My little brother is snoring in the living room. He probably woke up, and fell back asleep to the t.v. He looks like an angel when he sleeps, despite his irittating pig noises. I'm trying to imagine my life without them. Without my dads obnoxious loud voice. Without my mothers sweetness. Without my little brother. It seems impossible to me. To live my life without these people here everyday? IMPOSSIBLE. Maybe moving to Massachusetts won't be so easy. But i know I need it. Over all, despite my unusual fatigue, I think today might just be alright.

Blood is thicker than water?

It's amazing what people are capable of doing to each other, especially if it's family. To me, hurting your family is an unforgivable sin and i will never forget what my brother did to our family.

Derrick used to be the type of kid who loved to go outside and ride the four wheelers. I remember the first time he ever took me out on a trail. Derrick was always the type of person that loved soccer and swimming. He lived a good life, and in my eyes he was perfect. He was everything I wanted to be.

Derrick walked out of my life when I was 12. I missed him terribly and it felt as if all the anger I had towards everyone came spilling out like I hit a vain. Two years later, he walked back in. He was there for a moment, and then he was gone. The brother who used to be my bestfriend, has turned into someone I don't even know. Just another stranger.

I remember the first time I saw him smoke. I was devistated, I wanted to scream. He did it. Right in front of my face. I'm his little sister, he's supposed to protect me. I told my dad and he confronted Derrick. Derrick wasn't a particularly angry person. But for some reason, that night, he nearly drank himself to death. I cried. My sister brought him to the hospital. After that, I hated the fact that I still loved him.

I remember back when he always used to like doing things with me. I remember he used to always play outside with me. He would wake me up at 3 in the morning on Christmas Day to go peek at the presents downstairs. But Four wheeling was our favorite thing to do. We did it almost everyday. And now, its gone. Everytime I go out on the trails, i embrace it. I feel the wind on my face. I feel my hair flitter all around me, touching my face ever so lightly. I smell the air. I close my eyes. And i think of my brother.

I will never forget the day he told our father that his girlfriend was pregnant. For a brief moment, I felt happiness overwhelm me. I was going to be 'Aunt Kelsey'. Every day felt like forever as I anticipated the birth of my nephew. And finally, on June 29th of 2009, Jaiden Michael Enright was born. He looked just like his father, which oddly, made me sad. When I first held that tiny baby boy, i looked into his eyes and felt as if everything was going to be okay. And i was happy. About 5 months after his birth, Jaiden was ripped out of my life. And thats when I started feeling hate against my brother.

He was punishing me for something I didn't do. I remember all the bad things I knew he did in the house but I never told on him. I'd take a bullet for him, and he'd turn on my the second he got the chance.

But Derrick is my brother. Full blooded or not, he is my blood. My love for him is unconditional. I just hope he finds the will to change.

love of my life; music.

While most kids my age (15-20) prefer artists like Lil Wayne, Beyonce, Gorilla Zoe, Trey Songs, etc. I prefer something a little different. I love love love Flogging Molly, As tall as lions, Breaking Benjamin, Three Days Grace. I mean, I don't mind at all Rap and R&B and Hip-Hop. But i'd much rather listen to bluegrass or soft music.




As tall as lions- Ghost of York♥

Back to reality.

I saw her again. That girl I used to be. She was having kool aid and bologna sandwhiches with her big brother. She was swimming in the pool. She was jumping on the trampoline.

Smiling.
Laughing.
Happy.

She’s so tempting to me. My mind keeps dragging out moments from 2 summers ago. And the summers before that.I hit them back like a pinata and they swing back at me, again and again and again, until it bursts open. And all the pieces of my life are scattered across the lawn. It can’t be put back together, so you grab what you can in your hands and go on home.

But home doesn’t feel good either. The walls are covered with pictures of that girl’s life.

The people we were before.

I love you, Uncle Bug.

If we are fortunate,
we are given a warning.

If not,
there is only the sudden horror,
the wrench of being torn apart;
of being reminded
that nothing is permanent,
not even the ones we love,
the ones our lives revolve around.

Life is a fragile affair.
We are all dancing
on the edge of a precipice,
a dizzying cliff so high
we can't see the bottom.

One by one,
we lose those we love most
into the dark ravine.

So we must cherish them
without reservation.
Now.
Today.
This minute.
We will lose them
or they will lose us
someday.
This is certain.
There is no time for bickering.
And their loss
will leave a great pit in our hearts;
a pit we struggle to avoid
during the day
and fall into at night.

Some,
unable to accept this loss,
unable to determine
the worth of life without them,
jump into that black pit
spiritually or physically,
hoping to find them there.

And some survive
the shock,
the denial,
the horror,
the bargaining,
the barren, empty aching,
the unanswered prayers,
the sleepless nights
when their breath is crushed
under the weight of silence
and all that it means.

Somehow, some survive all that and,
like a flower opening after a storm,
they slowly begin to remember
the one they lost
in a different way...

The laughter,
the irrepressible spirit,
the generous heart,
the way their smile made them feel,
the encouragement they gave
even as their own dreams were dying.

And in time, they fill the pit
with other memories
the only memories that really matter.

We will still cry.
We will always cry.
But with loving reflection
more than hopeless longing.

And that is how we survive.
That is how the story should end.
That is how they would want it to be.

Being....me.

Being me isn't easy. I have a good sized cluster of flaws. But luckily, i have these people in my life. They are 3 of the most craziest, annoying, loving, caring people i've ever met. Even though we may not always see eye to eye, i know they love me. And i love them. I'd like you to meet my family:

This is Robert. He is my little brother. He's nine. And will finally hit the double digits on January 11th. Don't let his cute little face fool you, he's crazy!(: He is one of the only people that can make me laugh so hard that, yes, i pee my pants. Oh, did i mention he makes up his own words? Well, there's 'Monacoocoo', 'Funger', 'Dag', and a very widespread variety of other words. Robert is not only my little brother, he's one of my best friends. I pick on him alot, but it's out of love;)

I love this little guy with all that I am and i would destroy anyone who would try to harm him. He's going places, i do believe so. "Chickk!" ♥

This is my beautiful mother, Kimberly. Without her, well, i wouldn't have my good looks and my wits. It is true, she can make my boo-boo's feel better by not just a kiss, but just by being there. She makes me warm milk when my tummy aches. She makes sure I always get what I want and need, and more. She is the strongest woman i know. And without her in my life, it would be reduced to shreds. My mother is the woman that I hope i will be, strong, brave, and beautiful.

This is my father, Dennis. He's the most annoying human being i've ever met in my entire life. But i love him, regardless. Without him, i wouldn't know how to mow the lawn, ride a bike, put the dishes away, ride the fourwheeler, be a good sibling, and i wouldn't know how to be 'not annoyin'. Yes, unfortunatly, i get that from him. Along with my incredible sense of humor. I am like my father in a girl form, and younger. I just look like my mom, but I am an exact replicate of his personality...

So, these are the crazy people I call my family(:

And i love them all for exactly that.

The way they irritate me,

the way my brother has random outbursts,

the way my mother does the smallest things for me that affect me greatly,

and i just love them, because they are .......... them.