...?

Everytime I say something, no matter what it is- you always shut me out of your life. So you have no one to blame but yourself. I do love you. I was venting. Am I not allowed to do that?

What happened to working through our problems?
It was a post reaching out to you.
I thought maybe you'd talk to me and apologize for doing that stuff even if you didnt mean it


I forgot. No one apologizes to me.
Not my mom- for being a horrible mom, always putting me on the back burner.
Not my dad- for calling me a whore, slut, cunt, whatever name he feels i am at that point.
Not Meghan- for hogging Jaiden from me.
Not anyone.

I guess i'm not good enough to deserve an apology.

But just remember when i'm gone and out of this world- THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED.

Tumblr.

www.mistakenlykelsey.tumblr.com

Serenading Unicorn.

I checked my email today and I got an early birthday wish from a friend of mine. Attached was this Youtube video.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1fA1OnvqZo

I laughed. Yup.

Conversations and boredom with Beth.

Bethany: Oh, that's a picture of your cheek. You look like a fat Chinese person.
Me: Haha put them up so I can see.

Kelsey *picks up phone*: Hello?
Bethany: would you like some pineapple? ......well too bad. *hangs up phone*.

Bethany: Whats a canvas sack fsjsljsdf.
Kelsey: Whats a what?
Bethany: A ... CANVAS....SACK...BACK..PACK!
Kelsey: Oh, i dunno.
Bethany: Me either.
Kelsey:....
Bethany: Faggotry portal.

Bethany: Oh, oh, oh. Kelsey.?
Kelsey: What?
Bethany: I love you:)

Bethany: Tattoo, Cachoo, choo choo choo. ... my nose itches. HAYAYAY.

Bethany: OMG you look like a fish... you look like a fish.
Kelsey: Um..why'd you repeat yourself.
Bethany: What? I didn't.
Kelsey: Yes you did. You said I look like a fish, twice.
Bethany: Oh. Your a sack fack back dack.

Now, this is what me and Bethany do when we're bored and there just happens to be a computer scanner in the room!

Love you, bitch.<3

TATTOO;

At 10:00 AM on Sunday, August 21st, I will be getting my very first tattoo.


It will be a bird cage with one sparrow flying out.

With one sparrow instead of those types of birds. The cage door and birds will be facing the other way.

Floating away from the bird will be a tiny single feather.

It will be all black and obviously, the cage will be of better quality.

Underneath the bird cage, in fancy writing, it will say, "It is not only fine feathers that make fine birds- free yourself."


I have yet to decide where on my body I will let him inject the ink.
I have done research online about where the best places to get a tattoo are and where they are the least painful. But they all say the same thing. "It depends on the person and their pain tolerance." And I get several results as to where on my body.

So, I'm going to narrow it down.

- I don't want it on my back where I can't see it.
- I dont want it on my feet or ankles because that would be excruciating pain that i might not be able to tolerate.
- Not my rib cage because that seems pointless and painful.
- I'm debating my calf or not beccause i've heard from numerous people that it's really painful there compared to other spots.
- I can't get it on my wrist because of my job.


So i'm pretty much baffled as to where I want it.
I want to make the right decision because this decision will be printed on me for the rest of my life.


So i'll decide last minute.

Wish me luck!

And this time i'll say it with a smile(:

I. Will. Be. Seventeen. In. Four. Days. Holy shit.
Here are my plans for my birthday weekend.

Friday- Relaxing and swimming at home.

Saturday- Going to Seabreeze with Dad, Mom, Robert, Meghan, Nick, Derrick, Jaiden, Brandon, and possibly Broghan.

Sunday- Family party (Bethany will be staying the night:))

Monday- Turning 17. And going with my Dad, Brandon, and Bethany to get my first tattoo.


Happy birthday to me :)

17?

This birthday weekend is taking a turn for the worst. I took my Global test today. "Please god, let me pass. Get me out of here. I want to graduate with everyone else. I don't want to be stuck in this mess anymore." Those words I kept repeating in my head the entire two hours I was taking the test. I certainly hope I passed. I probably didn't though. God, I hope I did.

Tomorow is round 2. US History test. And guess the fuck what. I get to see Kayla Urbaniks pretty face tomorrow, haha NOT. I hope she doesn't say anything to me tomorow. I just want to take my test and leave- with no problems.

Then Friday is a big bowl of NOTHING and I get to sit home all day. Fun. Certainly something a 17 year old wants to do on her birthday weekend. Saturday I was supposed to go to Seabreeze with Jaiden, Derrick, Meghan, Nick, my Mom, Dad, and Robert. Jaiden was sick today so I guess thats another excuse for Derrick to keep Jaiden from us. And I really don't feel like hanging out with my over bearing sister all day. So I guess I'll just enjoy working six hours at Wegmans instead. JOY.


Sunday was supposed to be my party. But I highly doubt anyone will show. So whats the point?

And Monday is another giant big bowl of dissapointment just like the rest of my pathetic life.

Crappy Birthday to me.

Losing my ability to care.

Losing my ability to love, to laugh, to smile. Anything positive I'm pretty much losing. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I've already lost it. Sometimes I wonder if I even had it at all. I have nothing left to lose.

My best defense is running away and screaming and learning to hate people that love me. I'm trying so hard to be happy. Why isn't it happening? I've tried everything. I left that school and started new. I made new friends. I began again. I tried so hard to pass my classes and I did. But none of it was good enough. I try to escape this house, this town. But it does no good because ill never be able to escape my mind. Ill never be able to escape myself.

Nobody said life would be easy, but nobody said it'd be this hard. It feels like I'm towing the line. I showed my mom the post I wrote about her. She responded with "that's not true. I'm not a bad person". All I wanted was an "I'm sorry.". That's it. That's simply all I wanted. I want to be loved. Somehow life always steers me wrong.

I don't know where I belong.

50,000 cryin' eyes and their alll mine.

I remember the good times that we once had. But still my life is oh so sad. I try to look forward, but my mind goes back. Because a piece of the glass on our portrait is cracked. I try so hard to protect the glass. I won't let it shatter.Because you and your love, are all that matters. My family means anything to me. But still, everything always gets blamed on me. This happens to Moms

all over the world. We're supposed to be perfect, we learn this as girls. I have never been great
or the "best of Daughters". And, at times I've failed by the things I've done wrong. For those things I am sorry, I didn't want you to cry. But please remember, my eyes are not dry. I hope you can find our love that seems lost. For the mistakes I have made, came at a very high cost.
A piece of my life is missing and gone, and everything feels so lost and so wrong. But, there is one thing that I can do. I will try to be strong, just for you, for Dad, for Robert- for my family. One thing I feel down deep in my heart. It's my love for you, I guess that's a start. Even though you don't deserve it, because your ripping our family apart. Go ahead and leave, if that's what your heart desires. I will be strong. I will take care of my brother. I will take care of myself. And I will take care of Dad. I will take over the mother role. I will do the dishes and laundry. If I have to sacrifice my every need to keep the memory of you alive... to keep this family alive- then i'll do it. But I hope you remember that when your with your new family, that you didn't just cheat Dad. You cheated me. You cheated Robert. and you cheated Danielle. You cheated our family.
Do you ever think of the things I want? If your not sure of whaat those things are. Here's exactly it.


I want my life to be red, with trees, and like Autumn. I'd float away from evil and down towards the healing. Ive become so sad, I feel like i'm trapped in a maze. I'd give my soul to the one who has the courage to find me and free me now. And if I ran out, i'd just be cool like all the vacant

lights, i'd let the thunders take me under, and break my legs tonight.

Whats the point of having legs if you have no one to run to, no one to run to, and to love, and to cry, and to laugh, and to smile, and to be happy, and to remember, and to be scared, and to hate, and to want, and to need. and....


to be free.


I wanna make you happy, but i've fallen. I'm sorry.

I try to run away. But your always underneath my skin, suffocating me. Always taunting me. Torturing me. Reminding me of how much you hate me.


Do you wish I was someone else? Take all you want from me but please don't take my family.

Do you remember a day when I didn't go insane? My heart is a giant vacancy. I am fortunate to have a mother but sometimes I feel like you don't exsist. Your always with him or Dorothy. I've finally realized that I will ALWAYS be put on the back- burner for them. I will always be second best. I am defensless against the people I want to destroy- the people you wish were your family. But I have to give them props. Because they have something that I will never have. Your love and attention. Your desire to make them happy never fails. I wish you felt that way about me, Danielle, Robert, and Dad. I wish your love for us could even begin to compare to your love for them.

One day I'll figure out why you want to leave us so bad. One day i'll figure out why your so cold, so unwanting of me as a child. And when I figure it out, i'll turn my cheek to you. Because I know the truth will hurt. It always does. Living in this house is a pain and heartache that never leaves me.

Sometimes, when your gone, I pretend that this house is mine and that you don't exsist. Maybe it's my way of preparing myself for when you leave.

But when you leave. Please don't try to make me feel sorry for you. Because that is an impossible thought. But once, Alice said she thinks of up to seven impossible things before breakfast. Maybe i'll try.


1. My mother would rather spend time with me than an 80 year old woman and 54 year old man.
2. My mother is selfless, cares for my family, and accepts me and my flaws.
3. My mother cares about my happiness.
4. My mother loves us.
5. My mother is happy in this house.
6. My mother means it when she tells me she loves me.
7. My mother wanted me born.

Is that a sad thought? All because of you, sometimes I wish this city would sink in the sea.
I really don't know how to end this post so i'm just going to say what i feel, if i havent already made it clear.

I miss you. I hate you. I love you. I need you.

I wish you cared about me. I wish you paid attention to me. I wish you wanted to spend time with me. I wish you cared about my safe being. I wish one day you will care about my children.


5 things that i wish for , 5 things i will never have.

Betrayed.

Seriously. I am so beyond done with you. Stupid selfish bitch. You know how my family wants to be close to Jaiden but you hog him anyway. I'm so sick of you acting like he's your child and 'reserving' time with him. Can I reserve a spot on your face to knock out? Cut the fucking shit, Meghan.  You wonder why I don't like you...here are the reasons.

1. Your selfishness and hogging of OUR nephew. Not YOURS.
2. I always ask to spend time with you but you never make time for me. Yet, you make time for Jaiden, Annabell, Breanna, and Rion. You make time to go to Georgia and North Carolina. But no, not me. I'm your sister you fucking idiot. Make some time for me or stop being phoney.
3. The way you try to be all innocent but we all know your just as evil as your mother.
4. The way you never stuck up for Dad when Derrick was being an asshole.
5. The way you say you don't get involved in family drama but somehow you still always are.
6. The way you say my house is so far away and your mom is 10 minutes from me but your always there.
7. The way you always spend the night and bring nick to your fucking mothers house but never here.
And 8. The way you went to seabreeze with jaiden today when you knew he had plans to come to our house.

FUCK YOU, MEGHAN.
Seriousfuckinly.
I've never been so mad in my entire life.

I won't be needing you in my life anymore.
I don't care how many people nail me to a cross for it.
You have hurt me worse than imaginable.

Worse than my sister Danielle ever has.
Worse than Ashley.
Worse than Derrick, or Broghan.
Worse than my mother or father.

You took the one thing I've always wanted and claimed it for yourself.

To be an aunt.

falling apart.

Today's drama: Betrayed by my sister, AGAIN.


My grandfather fell off of a deck last night at 8:30 pm. He was rushed to Strong Hospital. He has a broken back, broken shoulder, broken ribs, and it is yet to be determined if his legs are broken. At first I didn't really care. I thought it wasn't serious. Last night I realized that my grandfather could possibly be paralyzed and then I thought about how my family will never be the same again. I thought about how much I hated my grandfather for all the wrong he has done to me and my little brother throughout our lives- and then I let that hatred go. I stopped harboring my bitterness and I grew up.

Me and my sister were sincerely concerned. We worried about my father- he hasnt talked to him in 2 years and he completely blew it off. I BEGGED my sister to come get me and take me to see him. I offered to pay her 10 dollars for gas, i even offered to drive. She turned me down, like she always does.

Today I asked her if she wanted to go see Grandpa after work. Her reply was "I'm already here."

Fuck you. Seriously. It's so hard to get along with you. It's the little shit like this that you constantly do that pisses me off the most. You wonder why. You constantly disregard my feelings and do what you want anyways. Your the bad guy this time. I would never do that to you.

Sometimes I wonder why I try so hard to be a good sibling, a good friend, a good daughter, a good grand daughter, all I do is get shit on by everyone around me.

Today I realized -

I have no family that loves me.

Things will never be the same with Bethany. As much as i'd like them to be. She'll probably always hate me now.

I just want to go somewhere far away.
Far away from here.
Far away from my 'family'
Far away from everyone and everything.


Far away from myself.

Worthless.

I've been feeling pretty worthless, lately.


I miss my little cousin.

My mother would rather spend time with an 80 year old woman than me.

My sister, Danielle, is too busy for me, now.

My grandparents hate me.

My sister, Ashley, wants me dead.



Today, I asked my mother if she wanted to spend time with me tomorrow and she pretty much flat out told me that she'd rather spend time with her friend Dorothy. Thank you, mom, for not sugar coating how much you hate me.


Why do people feel the need to hide shit from me? I wouldn't be such a ruthless bitch if people told me stuff straight up. Hiding stuff is the same as a lie. My little cousins, Breanna and Rion, who I never see anymore since they live in North Carolina- came to town last night. Thanks everyone, for not telling me. Cocksuckers. I don't even want to see them. Breanna pretty much helped my Grandfather delete me from his life. My grandpa doesn't like me because I am too depressed all the time. Grandparents are supposed to love you no matter what, endlessly. But I don't know what a love like that feels since my grandpa and grandma pretty much stopped loving me over night.

Apparently my sister, Meghan, has been spending alot of time with Breanna.

Ha. Thats funny. Because i've been trying to make plans with you for what? months now? And your my sister. I bet you wish I wasn't. I bet you wish I was Breanna. Because everyone loves her more. Uncle Tommy, Danny, Cousin Devon, Grandpa and Grandma, my own parents.


I just wish we could be little again. When everyone loved eachother and there was no competition.


I wish we could be the people we were before.


Look;
these people...

I wish things could be how they used to be. Especially with my grandparents.

Dear Grandma and Grandpa,
How can you shut your grandchild out of your life without even giving a reason why?
I'm sorry i'm not perfect like Breanna. All I ever wanted was your approval. Grandma, I always used to listen to you complain about how Breanna never wore dresses. So I would go out and buy the prettiest dress and wear it and doll myself all up just for you. I was 10 years old and you never even looked my way. Grandpa, all I ever remember doing was trying to be your buddy while you were here. I remember asking to always go to the store with you or ask you to take me to the beach or to the mall, and I always got turned down. I also remember hating you because deep down I knew that you'd do it for Breanna or Rion if they asked. I remember being naughty all the time when Breanna was around, I knew she'd tell you and it seemed like that was the only way you'd pay attention to me. I remember being scared of you, Grandpa. You were like a ticking time bomb. You were almost always drunk and I always tried to stop you from drinking. I remember Grandma always yelling at me for biting my nails or sitting on the counter. And I remember not being able to eat Steaks or Porkchops but if Breanna batted her eyes she'd get a bite. I remember sitting in the corner eating my hotdog, hating Breanna. All i ever wanted was for you to accept me. Now I just don't care. You both are selfish and you only care about yourselves. Now I know that I know i'm not good enough for you. But thats okay. The only person I need to be good enough for is myself. Plain and simple. Grandpa, I remember last year I waited all day for you to call me and wish me a happy 16th birthday. I went to bed dissapointed on that day. I will never forgive you. I remember the time mom and dad went to Mexico and I stayed at Danielles. I remember you wouldn't let me come home. When I got home, Breanna and Rion were there. They told me that you took them to Sodus point and spent the week at the house watching movies with them. I absolutely hated your guts. I remember my dad telling me that you guys weren't coming over this summer. They never told me why. So I assumed it was because you didn't love me anymore. I was right. Dear grandpa, tonight I found out that u broke ur ribs falling off a deck. I'm telling you I don't feel bad at all. Maybe a sight of death will make u love me again. I'm sorry that you hate me. I hope your proud. Love, kelsey.

How freaky right is this.

If you are born in the year 1994, then you are born on the year of the dog.

You are Loyal. You are the one who people are most likely to turn to when they need help. The dog person will come through every time. That is because he/she is sensitive to others and empathizes with them, particularly if someone has suffered an injustice; he/she reacts quickly with the same feeling as though he/she had been personally offended. Friends know that they can rely upon their Dog friend to keep a promise or remain cool in a crisis. Dog People are somewhat selfish, terribly stubborn, and eccentric. They can find fault with many things and are noted for their sharp tongues. Dogs are also considered to be extremely good looking, smart, graceful, likeable and nice.

Dog types are honest, intelligent and straightforward. They will take on any responsibility that is given to them and you can be sure that they will do their job well.

♥Jesse Hasek♥
Lead singer for the band '10 years'.


Oh so yummy. :)

Yeah, he's the one for meee. Checklist.

My little cousin made a checklist of everyything she looks for in a guy.... so i'm going to do one as well.


The perfect man for me needs these qualities;

- He has to be a gentleman.
- Calls me beautiful instead of sexy or hott.
- PLAYS GUITAR.
- Has blue eyes.
- Is 6 foot or taller.
- Has an incredible sense of humor.
- Isn't attached to his phone.
- Likes fourwheelers.
- Likes my animals.
- Have good taste in music and is willing to explore different kinds.
- Likes to wrestle.
- Respects me.
- Will listen to my problems.
- Put up with me when I'm being a bitch.
- Wants kids.
- *& Likes to swim.