Birthday boy.

I can't believe my nephew will be 2 in almost 2 weeks!
I went to K-mart today to pick out some of his stuff- ended up getting several things, but something caught my eye. Does anyone remember those sock monkeys? Well i found a sock panda- and I spruced it up a bit.!


It is supposed to be a symbol of how close to my heart he is. I will be getting more stuff- but i need ideas!

things you should know.

I find myself awake at 11:31 on Sunday night.
I feel the need to share some random but important things about myself with you.

#1. I love my family more than anything else in this world, like most people do.

#2. I am obsessed with Elephants- to me, an elephant shows a sign of strength and dignity. My first tattoo will be an elephant on my wrist to represent how important those two things are to me.

#3. I absolutely adore my puppy, Chester Derrick Enright. He is a pomeranian/chihuahua mix. His middle name is my brothers name, another important person to me.

#4. I am absolutely horrified of Clowns. Don't ask why. It has been my greatest fear for as long as I can remember.

#5. Writing is my passion (obviously). Sometimes I find myself with no other way out, so I guess you could say, writing has saved my life more times than I can count.

#6. I never ask for help. I used to always rely on others but that only left me miserable. I refuse to ask for help because to me, it is a sign of my weakness that I refuse to let show.

#7. I have 2 older brothers, 3 older sisters, and 1 little brother. All of which are very dear to my heart, although some of them have gone seperate ways.

#8. I am Portuguese. And I am very proud to be apart of the Meisch/Couto family. I am not ashamed to say that my Great Grandmother was an illegal immigrant from Portugal. Some day, I hope to move to Portugal and live there.

#9. I am a very lost human being. I will never let this be seen. I try to keep myself bound together as tight as I possibly can- but to be honest, I have no idea where I am going in life or what I am going to do. I have no plan. I am just letting life throw things at me and i'm dealing with them as best as I possibly can.

#10. When I was 10, I was diagnosed with a nervous disorder called Trichotillomania. It causes me to pick at my hair. I still have it. I wear a wig, and have been made fun of every day of my life for it since 5th grade. I want more than anything to be like everyone else, although I know I never will. I am more ashamed than anyone will ever know, another thing i will not let show.

#11.I try to be as independent as I can. I hope one day I will be confident in knowing that I can take care of and support myself without help from a man. I do not and never have seen myself with a man for long term or starting a family.

#12. I am extremely creative. Give me a simple assignment and I will go above and beyond to make sure that my creation is nothing like anything you've ever seen.

#13. My brain is always turning, always thinking of possibilities, always hoping, always wondering, always dreaming. That's the best way I can put it.

#14. I over-examine EVERYTHING. I blame it on my paranoia.

#15. I believe in civil disobedience and non-violence. War only makes everything worse. I'm confident with this because I often find myself at War with myself--- I never win.

#16. My other greatest fear (besides clowns) is losing a sibling. I can't even fathom the immensity of the pain I will feel and the thought of it horrifies me. My siblings are my greatest allies and I will fight an army off for any one of them. The love I have for my siblings could withstand the loss of a parent, divorce, and quarrel.

#17. I love god. Two weeks ago my greatest prayer was answered; i know now that miracles do exsist. I thank god EVERYDAY for bringing my big brother back into my life. <3

#18. I don't have many friends. I like it this way. I've always felt content with having fewer friends than greater. Don't ask why.

#19. I believe that there are worlds beyond ours. I believe that there are others out there trying to find a way to get in to our world. I believe that there is a species FAR more intelligent than we can even begin to imagine.

#20. A friend once told me that I am a selfless person. Which I didn't believe at first. Here's a secret, I would rather kill a human being than kill an animal. But I also care more about others more than I care about myself. I can be selfish too, but it's human nature.

It's hard to explain me with words. You really just need to get to know me. Which will be hard to do, but I believe that I am worth every second.

It's been a while.

Hello. It's been a while since i've written. Good things have been happening to me, it took me some time to write about them because i'm scared if i wrote about them too quickly, they would just dissapear.

I finally got a job at Wegmans, and I got my permit.
So my life is starting to run on it's own track rather than everyone elses.
And it feels kind of.....nice. (knock on wood).

I've started to gain my social life back. Now that I have it back i finally realized how much i truely missed it. And yet, i'm still scared.

My long lost brother, has finally come back to us. Finally come back to my family. The brother who two months ago, i would've given anything to see or talk to one last time. And now that he's back,- oddly, i don't really feel like i've gained anything. I wish my brother would take me into his arms and embrace me and apologize for the lost time- but that will never happen. I'm finding it hard to forget everything that happened and just take him back into my life as if nothing ever happened- he makes it look easy. but time will tell.

The color of the moon doesn't seem the same to me anymore- i've learned to look at the world in different ways than always sad and dark. The world isn't that bad. I've finally realized that maybe the reason I wasn't happy is because I never gave myself the chance to let good come to me. I would push it away every chance I got.


I've realized that i've got plenty to look forward to in life;
- I graduate next year.
-College (Art Academy of San Fransico)
-Spending time with my brothers and sisters.
-Getting to know my nephew, Jaiden Michael.
-Watching my little cousins grow up.
-Having a family of my own, one day.
-Living.

I've got alot I could worry about. But I won't. What's the point? Right?

.

Today is Easter. I find myself thinking of my brother, again. I remember how things used to be before all the chaos. When theres no one left to tell, i keep it to myself.

Nothing will ever be the same without you here.
Ever.

pride will tear us both apart.

I'm at war with myself again. My life has gone from bad to worse in a matter of days. I should've been able to see this coming from a mile away, why I didn't is beyond me. Everything I touch breaks. Everyone I love leaves me. Everything I care about ends up being fake. And everything I wish could be real will never exist.

At this point I'm pretty sure that nothing in my life will ever get better. Writing and music are all I have. I was so stupid for thinking that things would ever work out. Im literally at a loss for words. There is so much I could say but for some reason i can't type it out. Everytime i try it turns out like this;

jksdlfjsdlfjldfjlsdfjlsdfl;fweur08urdfjlsdfjlsdfjl;ajofiodgnfgf.
one big mess that i call my life.

i just wish i had one person that i could share my heart with but at the same time i feel like im better off on my own. im stuckk at a cross road again. my heart and my mind want different things again, but my pride will tear them both apart. pride will tear my life apart. or maybe it already has.

stuck in the narrows.

Annoyed.

If I could use one word to describe how I feel about my life right now it would be that.
I feel like I'm runnin' circles. I can't seem to do anything and actually complete it. I. just. don't. care. I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. I wish I could take it all back. Everything I've ever said or done to make my siblings hate me so much. Or maybe i'll go back in time and stop myself from making excuses of why they aren't around. Its all just a waste of time. Today I found myself pondering the thought of why i'm even alive on more than one occasion. And now I really do wonder why. Why am I here? Every step I take goes backwards, i don't know what i'm headed towards.


So wake me up when its over.

I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough for anyone. I just wish there was someone I could share my heart with. To share my secrets with. Theres always my little cousin. But sometimes cousins can't fix broken hearts. I feel like writing is all I have. Hell, I feel alot of things.

Confusion.
Uncertainty.
Scared.
Frustrated.
Annoyed.

ALONE;

that word 'alone' lingers in my brain all day, everyday. it constantly haunts me and distracts me from living my life. so instead, i'm stuck in a nightmare...alone.

there's no time for someone to save me.

Hello, Depression. How nice of you to visit me again.

Somehow, my life has spontaniously been flip-turned upside down. Everything seems backwards. I no longer attend Williamson High School. I attend Williamson Alternative High School. And I attend it with some of the craziest people I know. <3 But I've been starting to realize... maybe leaving High School wasn't enough? What if it wasn't quite enough to save myself.

I packed my bags again. I walked out my front door, and realized that I can't run away. I will NEVER be able to escape myself. The thought of that horrifies me. My mind is incredibly dangerous when i'm left alone. If I dissapeared, would anyone notice? Or would I just be another misunderstooden soul that silently faded into the darkness. I certainly hope for the best. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm stuck between being scared and not knowing. I'm stuck between the 'why's' and the 'what if's'.

My life is a joke. Pathetic. If I was someone other than myself, i would laugh at the thought of me. Sickening. Dull. Empty. I JUST WANT TO BE FREE. Sometimes I just wish this world would sink in the sea. I've been thinking of my little brother alot lately. I'm terrified for him. I know he has a mind of his own, but he is still developing a sense of right and wrong. I hope he ends up the opposite of me. I would never want him to go through what i have. The thought of that breaks my heart. My little brother means the world to me. If anything ever happened to him, I could never deal with it. If he ever left this earth, god forbid, i would probably try to leave to. I can't stand the thought of my life without him.

I want to reach out for help, but at the same time- i'm scared. I'm always scared. I don't know whats wrong with me but i know somethings not right. Actually, i'm not sure if anything is 'right'.
I feel torn apart from limb to limb. I don't know what to do. Help.