.

Today is Easter. I find myself thinking of my brother, again. I remember how things used to be before all the chaos. When theres no one left to tell, i keep it to myself.

Nothing will ever be the same without you here.
Ever.

pride will tear us both apart.

I'm at war with myself again. My life has gone from bad to worse in a matter of days. I should've been able to see this coming from a mile away, why I didn't is beyond me. Everything I touch breaks. Everyone I love leaves me. Everything I care about ends up being fake. And everything I wish could be real will never exist.

At this point I'm pretty sure that nothing in my life will ever get better. Writing and music are all I have. I was so stupid for thinking that things would ever work out. Im literally at a loss for words. There is so much I could say but for some reason i can't type it out. Everytime i try it turns out like this;

jksdlfjsdlfjldfjlsdfjlsdfl;fweur08urdfjlsdfjlsdfjl;ajofiodgnfgf.
one big mess that i call my life.

i just wish i had one person that i could share my heart with but at the same time i feel like im better off on my own. im stuckk at a cross road again. my heart and my mind want different things again, but my pride will tear them both apart. pride will tear my life apart. or maybe it already has.

stuck in the narrows.

Annoyed.

If I could use one word to describe how I feel about my life right now it would be that.
I feel like I'm runnin' circles. I can't seem to do anything and actually complete it. I. just. don't. care. I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. I wish I could take it all back. Everything I've ever said or done to make my siblings hate me so much. Or maybe i'll go back in time and stop myself from making excuses of why they aren't around. Its all just a waste of time. Today I found myself pondering the thought of why i'm even alive on more than one occasion. And now I really do wonder why. Why am I here? Every step I take goes backwards, i don't know what i'm headed towards.


So wake me up when its over.

I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough for anyone. I just wish there was someone I could share my heart with. To share my secrets with. Theres always my little cousin. But sometimes cousins can't fix broken hearts. I feel like writing is all I have. Hell, I feel alot of things.

Confusion.
Uncertainty.
Scared.
Frustrated.
Annoyed.

ALONE;

that word 'alone' lingers in my brain all day, everyday. it constantly haunts me and distracts me from living my life. so instead, i'm stuck in a nightmare...alone.

there's no time for someone to save me.

Hello, Depression. How nice of you to visit me again.

Somehow, my life has spontaniously been flip-turned upside down. Everything seems backwards. I no longer attend Williamson High School. I attend Williamson Alternative High School. And I attend it with some of the craziest people I know. <3 But I've been starting to realize... maybe leaving High School wasn't enough? What if it wasn't quite enough to save myself.

I packed my bags again. I walked out my front door, and realized that I can't run away. I will NEVER be able to escape myself. The thought of that horrifies me. My mind is incredibly dangerous when i'm left alone. If I dissapeared, would anyone notice? Or would I just be another misunderstooden soul that silently faded into the darkness. I certainly hope for the best. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm stuck between being scared and not knowing. I'm stuck between the 'why's' and the 'what if's'.

My life is a joke. Pathetic. If I was someone other than myself, i would laugh at the thought of me. Sickening. Dull. Empty. I JUST WANT TO BE FREE. Sometimes I just wish this world would sink in the sea. I've been thinking of my little brother alot lately. I'm terrified for him. I know he has a mind of his own, but he is still developing a sense of right and wrong. I hope he ends up the opposite of me. I would never want him to go through what i have. The thought of that breaks my heart. My little brother means the world to me. If anything ever happened to him, I could never deal with it. If he ever left this earth, god forbid, i would probably try to leave to. I can't stand the thought of my life without him.

I want to reach out for help, but at the same time- i'm scared. I'm always scared. I don't know whats wrong with me but i know somethings not right. Actually, i'm not sure if anything is 'right'.
I feel torn apart from limb to limb. I don't know what to do. Help.