...?

Everytime I say something, no matter what it is- you always shut me out of your life. So you have no one to blame but yourself. I do love you. I was venting. Am I not allowed to do that?

What happened to working through our problems?
It was a post reaching out to you.
I thought maybe you'd talk to me and apologize for doing that stuff even if you didnt mean it


I forgot. No one apologizes to me.
Not my mom- for being a horrible mom, always putting me on the back burner.
Not my dad- for calling me a whore, slut, cunt, whatever name he feels i am at that point.
Not Meghan- for hogging Jaiden from me.
Not anyone.

I guess i'm not good enough to deserve an apology.

But just remember when i'm gone and out of this world- THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED.

Tumblr.

www.mistakenlykelsey.tumblr.com

Serenading Unicorn.

I checked my email today and I got an early birthday wish from a friend of mine. Attached was this Youtube video.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1fA1OnvqZo

I laughed. Yup.

Conversations and boredom with Beth.

Bethany: Oh, that's a picture of your cheek. You look like a fat Chinese person.
Me: Haha put them up so I can see.

Kelsey *picks up phone*: Hello?
Bethany: would you like some pineapple? ......well too bad. *hangs up phone*.

Bethany: Whats a canvas sack fsjsljsdf.
Kelsey: Whats a what?
Bethany: A ... CANVAS....SACK...BACK..PACK!
Kelsey: Oh, i dunno.
Bethany: Me either.
Kelsey:....
Bethany: Faggotry portal.

Bethany: Oh, oh, oh. Kelsey.?
Kelsey: What?
Bethany: I love you:)

Bethany: Tattoo, Cachoo, choo choo choo. ... my nose itches. HAYAYAY.

Bethany: OMG you look like a fish... you look like a fish.
Kelsey: Um..why'd you repeat yourself.
Bethany: What? I didn't.
Kelsey: Yes you did. You said I look like a fish, twice.
Bethany: Oh. Your a sack fack back dack.

Now, this is what me and Bethany do when we're bored and there just happens to be a computer scanner in the room!

Love you, bitch.<3

TATTOO;

At 10:00 AM on Sunday, August 21st, I will be getting my very first tattoo.


It will be a bird cage with one sparrow flying out.

With one sparrow instead of those types of birds. The cage door and birds will be facing the other way.

Floating away from the bird will be a tiny single feather.

It will be all black and obviously, the cage will be of better quality.

Underneath the bird cage, in fancy writing, it will say, "It is not only fine feathers that make fine birds- free yourself."


I have yet to decide where on my body I will let him inject the ink.
I have done research online about where the best places to get a tattoo are and where they are the least painful. But they all say the same thing. "It depends on the person and their pain tolerance." And I get several results as to where on my body.

So, I'm going to narrow it down.

- I don't want it on my back where I can't see it.
- I dont want it on my feet or ankles because that would be excruciating pain that i might not be able to tolerate.
- Not my rib cage because that seems pointless and painful.
- I'm debating my calf or not beccause i've heard from numerous people that it's really painful there compared to other spots.
- I can't get it on my wrist because of my job.


So i'm pretty much baffled as to where I want it.
I want to make the right decision because this decision will be printed on me for the rest of my life.


So i'll decide last minute.

Wish me luck!

And this time i'll say it with a smile(:

I. Will. Be. Seventeen. In. Four. Days. Holy shit.
Here are my plans for my birthday weekend.

Friday- Relaxing and swimming at home.

Saturday- Going to Seabreeze with Dad, Mom, Robert, Meghan, Nick, Derrick, Jaiden, Brandon, and possibly Broghan.

Sunday- Family party (Bethany will be staying the night:))

Monday- Turning 17. And going with my Dad, Brandon, and Bethany to get my first tattoo.


Happy birthday to me :)

17?

This birthday weekend is taking a turn for the worst. I took my Global test today. "Please god, let me pass. Get me out of here. I want to graduate with everyone else. I don't want to be stuck in this mess anymore." Those words I kept repeating in my head the entire two hours I was taking the test. I certainly hope I passed. I probably didn't though. God, I hope I did.

Tomorow is round 2. US History test. And guess the fuck what. I get to see Kayla Urbaniks pretty face tomorrow, haha NOT. I hope she doesn't say anything to me tomorow. I just want to take my test and leave- with no problems.

Then Friday is a big bowl of NOTHING and I get to sit home all day. Fun. Certainly something a 17 year old wants to do on her birthday weekend. Saturday I was supposed to go to Seabreeze with Jaiden, Derrick, Meghan, Nick, my Mom, Dad, and Robert. Jaiden was sick today so I guess thats another excuse for Derrick to keep Jaiden from us. And I really don't feel like hanging out with my over bearing sister all day. So I guess I'll just enjoy working six hours at Wegmans instead. JOY.


Sunday was supposed to be my party. But I highly doubt anyone will show. So whats the point?

And Monday is another giant big bowl of dissapointment just like the rest of my pathetic life.

Crappy Birthday to me.

Losing my ability to care.

Losing my ability to love, to laugh, to smile. Anything positive I'm pretty much losing. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I've already lost it. Sometimes I wonder if I even had it at all. I have nothing left to lose.

My best defense is running away and screaming and learning to hate people that love me. I'm trying so hard to be happy. Why isn't it happening? I've tried everything. I left that school and started new. I made new friends. I began again. I tried so hard to pass my classes and I did. But none of it was good enough. I try to escape this house, this town. But it does no good because ill never be able to escape my mind. Ill never be able to escape myself.

Nobody said life would be easy, but nobody said it'd be this hard. It feels like I'm towing the line. I showed my mom the post I wrote about her. She responded with "that's not true. I'm not a bad person". All I wanted was an "I'm sorry.". That's it. That's simply all I wanted. I want to be loved. Somehow life always steers me wrong.

I don't know where I belong.

50,000 cryin' eyes and their alll mine.

I remember the good times that we once had. But still my life is oh so sad. I try to look forward, but my mind goes back. Because a piece of the glass on our portrait is cracked. I try so hard to protect the glass. I won't let it shatter.Because you and your love, are all that matters. My family means anything to me. But still, everything always gets blamed on me. This happens to Moms

all over the world. We're supposed to be perfect, we learn this as girls. I have never been great
or the "best of Daughters". And, at times I've failed by the things I've done wrong. For those things I am sorry, I didn't want you to cry. But please remember, my eyes are not dry. I hope you can find our love that seems lost. For the mistakes I have made, came at a very high cost.
A piece of my life is missing and gone, and everything feels so lost and so wrong. But, there is one thing that I can do. I will try to be strong, just for you, for Dad, for Robert- for my family. One thing I feel down deep in my heart. It's my love for you, I guess that's a start. Even though you don't deserve it, because your ripping our family apart. Go ahead and leave, if that's what your heart desires. I will be strong. I will take care of my brother. I will take care of myself. And I will take care of Dad. I will take over the mother role. I will do the dishes and laundry. If I have to sacrifice my every need to keep the memory of you alive... to keep this family alive- then i'll do it. But I hope you remember that when your with your new family, that you didn't just cheat Dad. You cheated me. You cheated Robert. and you cheated Danielle. You cheated our family.
Do you ever think of the things I want? If your not sure of whaat those things are. Here's exactly it.


I want my life to be red, with trees, and like Autumn. I'd float away from evil and down towards the healing. Ive become so sad, I feel like i'm trapped in a maze. I'd give my soul to the one who has the courage to find me and free me now. And if I ran out, i'd just be cool like all the vacant

lights, i'd let the thunders take me under, and break my legs tonight.

Whats the point of having legs if you have no one to run to, no one to run to, and to love, and to cry, and to laugh, and to smile, and to be happy, and to remember, and to be scared, and to hate, and to want, and to need. and....


to be free.


I wanna make you happy, but i've fallen. I'm sorry.

I try to run away. But your always underneath my skin, suffocating me. Always taunting me. Torturing me. Reminding me of how much you hate me.


Do you wish I was someone else? Take all you want from me but please don't take my family.

Do you remember a day when I didn't go insane? My heart is a giant vacancy. I am fortunate to have a mother but sometimes I feel like you don't exsist. Your always with him or Dorothy. I've finally realized that I will ALWAYS be put on the back- burner for them. I will always be second best. I am defensless against the people I want to destroy- the people you wish were your family. But I have to give them props. Because they have something that I will never have. Your love and attention. Your desire to make them happy never fails. I wish you felt that way about me, Danielle, Robert, and Dad. I wish your love for us could even begin to compare to your love for them.

One day I'll figure out why you want to leave us so bad. One day i'll figure out why your so cold, so unwanting of me as a child. And when I figure it out, i'll turn my cheek to you. Because I know the truth will hurt. It always does. Living in this house is a pain and heartache that never leaves me.

Sometimes, when your gone, I pretend that this house is mine and that you don't exsist. Maybe it's my way of preparing myself for when you leave.

But when you leave. Please don't try to make me feel sorry for you. Because that is an impossible thought. But once, Alice said she thinks of up to seven impossible things before breakfast. Maybe i'll try.


1. My mother would rather spend time with me than an 80 year old woman and 54 year old man.
2. My mother is selfless, cares for my family, and accepts me and my flaws.
3. My mother cares about my happiness.
4. My mother loves us.
5. My mother is happy in this house.
6. My mother means it when she tells me she loves me.
7. My mother wanted me born.

Is that a sad thought? All because of you, sometimes I wish this city would sink in the sea.
I really don't know how to end this post so i'm just going to say what i feel, if i havent already made it clear.

I miss you. I hate you. I love you. I need you.

I wish you cared about me. I wish you paid attention to me. I wish you wanted to spend time with me. I wish you cared about my safe being. I wish one day you will care about my children.


5 things that i wish for , 5 things i will never have.

Betrayed.

Seriously. I am so beyond done with you. Stupid selfish bitch. You know how my family wants to be close to Jaiden but you hog him anyway. I'm so sick of you acting like he's your child and 'reserving' time with him. Can I reserve a spot on your face to knock out? Cut the fucking shit, Meghan.  You wonder why I don't like you...here are the reasons.

1. Your selfishness and hogging of OUR nephew. Not YOURS.
2. I always ask to spend time with you but you never make time for me. Yet, you make time for Jaiden, Annabell, Breanna, and Rion. You make time to go to Georgia and North Carolina. But no, not me. I'm your sister you fucking idiot. Make some time for me or stop being phoney.
3. The way you try to be all innocent but we all know your just as evil as your mother.
4. The way you never stuck up for Dad when Derrick was being an asshole.
5. The way you say you don't get involved in family drama but somehow you still always are.
6. The way you say my house is so far away and your mom is 10 minutes from me but your always there.
7. The way you always spend the night and bring nick to your fucking mothers house but never here.
And 8. The way you went to seabreeze with jaiden today when you knew he had plans to come to our house.

FUCK YOU, MEGHAN.
Seriousfuckinly.
I've never been so mad in my entire life.

I won't be needing you in my life anymore.
I don't care how many people nail me to a cross for it.
You have hurt me worse than imaginable.

Worse than my sister Danielle ever has.
Worse than Ashley.
Worse than Derrick, or Broghan.
Worse than my mother or father.

You took the one thing I've always wanted and claimed it for yourself.

To be an aunt.

falling apart.

Today's drama: Betrayed by my sister, AGAIN.


My grandfather fell off of a deck last night at 8:30 pm. He was rushed to Strong Hospital. He has a broken back, broken shoulder, broken ribs, and it is yet to be determined if his legs are broken. At first I didn't really care. I thought it wasn't serious. Last night I realized that my grandfather could possibly be paralyzed and then I thought about how my family will never be the same again. I thought about how much I hated my grandfather for all the wrong he has done to me and my little brother throughout our lives- and then I let that hatred go. I stopped harboring my bitterness and I grew up.

Me and my sister were sincerely concerned. We worried about my father- he hasnt talked to him in 2 years and he completely blew it off. I BEGGED my sister to come get me and take me to see him. I offered to pay her 10 dollars for gas, i even offered to drive. She turned me down, like she always does.

Today I asked her if she wanted to go see Grandpa after work. Her reply was "I'm already here."

Fuck you. Seriously. It's so hard to get along with you. It's the little shit like this that you constantly do that pisses me off the most. You wonder why. You constantly disregard my feelings and do what you want anyways. Your the bad guy this time. I would never do that to you.

Sometimes I wonder why I try so hard to be a good sibling, a good friend, a good daughter, a good grand daughter, all I do is get shit on by everyone around me.

Today I realized -

I have no family that loves me.

Things will never be the same with Bethany. As much as i'd like them to be. She'll probably always hate me now.

I just want to go somewhere far away.
Far away from here.
Far away from my 'family'
Far away from everyone and everything.


Far away from myself.

Worthless.

I've been feeling pretty worthless, lately.


I miss my little cousin.

My mother would rather spend time with an 80 year old woman than me.

My sister, Danielle, is too busy for me, now.

My grandparents hate me.

My sister, Ashley, wants me dead.



Today, I asked my mother if she wanted to spend time with me tomorrow and she pretty much flat out told me that she'd rather spend time with her friend Dorothy. Thank you, mom, for not sugar coating how much you hate me.


Why do people feel the need to hide shit from me? I wouldn't be such a ruthless bitch if people told me stuff straight up. Hiding stuff is the same as a lie. My little cousins, Breanna and Rion, who I never see anymore since they live in North Carolina- came to town last night. Thanks everyone, for not telling me. Cocksuckers. I don't even want to see them. Breanna pretty much helped my Grandfather delete me from his life. My grandpa doesn't like me because I am too depressed all the time. Grandparents are supposed to love you no matter what, endlessly. But I don't know what a love like that feels since my grandpa and grandma pretty much stopped loving me over night.

Apparently my sister, Meghan, has been spending alot of time with Breanna.

Ha. Thats funny. Because i've been trying to make plans with you for what? months now? And your my sister. I bet you wish I wasn't. I bet you wish I was Breanna. Because everyone loves her more. Uncle Tommy, Danny, Cousin Devon, Grandpa and Grandma, my own parents.


I just wish we could be little again. When everyone loved eachother and there was no competition.


I wish we could be the people we were before.


Look;
these people...

I wish things could be how they used to be. Especially with my grandparents.

Dear Grandma and Grandpa,
How can you shut your grandchild out of your life without even giving a reason why?
I'm sorry i'm not perfect like Breanna. All I ever wanted was your approval. Grandma, I always used to listen to you complain about how Breanna never wore dresses. So I would go out and buy the prettiest dress and wear it and doll myself all up just for you. I was 10 years old and you never even looked my way. Grandpa, all I ever remember doing was trying to be your buddy while you were here. I remember asking to always go to the store with you or ask you to take me to the beach or to the mall, and I always got turned down. I also remember hating you because deep down I knew that you'd do it for Breanna or Rion if they asked. I remember being naughty all the time when Breanna was around, I knew she'd tell you and it seemed like that was the only way you'd pay attention to me. I remember being scared of you, Grandpa. You were like a ticking time bomb. You were almost always drunk and I always tried to stop you from drinking. I remember Grandma always yelling at me for biting my nails or sitting on the counter. And I remember not being able to eat Steaks or Porkchops but if Breanna batted her eyes she'd get a bite. I remember sitting in the corner eating my hotdog, hating Breanna. All i ever wanted was for you to accept me. Now I just don't care. You both are selfish and you only care about yourselves. Now I know that I know i'm not good enough for you. But thats okay. The only person I need to be good enough for is myself. Plain and simple. Grandpa, I remember last year I waited all day for you to call me and wish me a happy 16th birthday. I went to bed dissapointed on that day. I will never forgive you. I remember the time mom and dad went to Mexico and I stayed at Danielles. I remember you wouldn't let me come home. When I got home, Breanna and Rion were there. They told me that you took them to Sodus point and spent the week at the house watching movies with them. I absolutely hated your guts. I remember my dad telling me that you guys weren't coming over this summer. They never told me why. So I assumed it was because you didn't love me anymore. I was right. Dear grandpa, tonight I found out that u broke ur ribs falling off a deck. I'm telling you I don't feel bad at all. Maybe a sight of death will make u love me again. I'm sorry that you hate me. I hope your proud. Love, kelsey.

How freaky right is this.

If you are born in the year 1994, then you are born on the year of the dog.

You are Loyal. You are the one who people are most likely to turn to when they need help. The dog person will come through every time. That is because he/she is sensitive to others and empathizes with them, particularly if someone has suffered an injustice; he/she reacts quickly with the same feeling as though he/she had been personally offended. Friends know that they can rely upon their Dog friend to keep a promise or remain cool in a crisis. Dog People are somewhat selfish, terribly stubborn, and eccentric. They can find fault with many things and are noted for their sharp tongues. Dogs are also considered to be extremely good looking, smart, graceful, likeable and nice.

Dog types are honest, intelligent and straightforward. They will take on any responsibility that is given to them and you can be sure that they will do their job well.

♥Jesse Hasek♥
Lead singer for the band '10 years'.


Oh so yummy. :)

Yeah, he's the one for meee. Checklist.

My little cousin made a checklist of everyything she looks for in a guy.... so i'm going to do one as well.


The perfect man for me needs these qualities;

- He has to be a gentleman.
- Calls me beautiful instead of sexy or hott.
- PLAYS GUITAR.
- Has blue eyes.
- Is 6 foot or taller.
- Has an incredible sense of humor.
- Isn't attached to his phone.
- Likes fourwheelers.
- Likes my animals.
- Have good taste in music and is willing to explore different kinds.
- Likes to wrestle.
- Respects me.
- Will listen to my problems.
- Put up with me when I'm being a bitch.
- Wants kids.
- *& Likes to swim.

I'm sorry. Is that what you want to hear?

I guess I'll have to set my pride aside and be the first to say "I can't live without you in my life."
I never meant to hurt you. I need you, I miss you, I love you. Yada Yada. My life just isn't the same without you in it. You have always been like the little sister I never had but always wanted. I'm truely ashamed of myself for setting that kind of example for you. I can be a horrible person sometimes, I hate it. I wish I was different, really. I wish I was an entirely different person so you didn't have to deal with me. I just want you to know how much you mean to me. I don't want us to be like Danielle and Jamie. Thats the not the type of relationship we have. I know your ready. Your just scared, and i'm here to tell you; You don't have to be. You are such an enormous part of my life and without you, there is a gaping hole in my heart, there is a huge part of my life that is missing. You have been more of a sibling to me than any of my real siblings have been. But it's not just you i'm sorry to. I'm GREATLY apologetic to Jamie. I shouldn't have wrote about Lexi that was totally out of line. I love her and I adore her kids. I can't live without you guys in my life. Caleb has always filled the hole in my heart where Jaiden was supposed to be. I cry every night hoping things will get better. I'm sorry to you, Aunt Kathy. I really disrespected your family and I am sorry for being an asshole. You have done nothing but give me a place to stay when I needed one. You would feed me when you could barely feed your family. So I guess i'm sorry to all the Mccarthys.


You guys are the only family I have. Please forgive me.
Especially you, Bethy. I feel like I have really let you down and hurt you so deeply.

Give me a second chance.?
Even though we both know I don't deserve it.

I miss you.

it's official.

I am obsessed with Steve-O.

Songs of the day; For you, Bethany.

Change my attempt good intentions...

Crouched over
You were not there
Living in fear
But signs were not really that scarce
Obvious tears
And I will not
Hide you through this
I want you to help
Please see
The bleeding heart perched on my shirt

Die, withdraw
Hide in cold sweat
Quivering lips
Ignore remorse
Naming a kid, living wasteland
This time you've tried
All that you can turning you red

Change my attempt good intentions
Should I, could I
Here we are with your obsession
Should I, could I

Crowned hopeless
The article read living wasteland
This time you've tried
All that you can turning you red
but I will not
Hide you through this
I want you to help

Change my attempt good intentions
Should I, could I

Here we are with your obsession
Should I, could I

Heave the silver hollow sliver
Piercing through another victim
Turn and tremble be judgmental
Ignorant to all the symbols
Blind the face with beauty paste
Eventually you'll one day know

Change my attempt good intentions
Limbs tied, skin tight
Self inflicted his perdition

Should I, could I
Change my attempt good intentions
Should I, could I
Should I, could I











I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh, god it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home sitting all alone inside your head

How do you feel? That is the question
But I forget.. you don't expect an easy answer
When something like a soul becomes
Initialized and folded up like

paper dolls and little notes
You can't expect a bit of hope
So while you're outside looking in
Describing what you see
Remember what you're staring at is me

Cause I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
When no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

How much is real? So much to question
An epidemic of the mannequins
Contaminating everything
When thought came from the heart
It never did right from the start
Just listen to the noises
(Null and void instead of voices)
Before you tell yourself
It's just a different scene
Remember it's just different from what you've seen

I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
And all I know is that it feels like forever
When no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That shine for you
And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That lie to you.. yeah-ah

I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh, god it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your heaaaaddd

And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That shine for you.. yeah-ah
And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That lie to you.. yeah-ah

And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That shine for you.. yeah-ah
And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That lie to you.. yeah-ah yeah

Ohhhoh when the starrs
Ohhh oh when the starrrrs that liieee

An Aeroplane over the Sea; for you.

What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round the sun
What a beautiful dream
That could flash on the screen
In a blink of an eye and be gone from me
Soft and sweet
Let me hold it close and keep it here with me

And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see
Love to be
In the arms of all I'm keeping here with me

What a curious life we have found here tonight
There is music that sounds from the street
There are lights in the clouds
Anna's ghost all around
Hear her voice as it's rolling and ringing through me
Soft and sweet
How the notes all bend and reach above the trees

Now how I remember you
How I would push my fingers through
Your mouth to make those muscles move
That made your voice so smooth and sweet
And now we keep where we don't know
All secrets sleep in winter clothes
With one you loved so long ago
Now he don't even know his name

What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round the sun
And when we meet on a cloud
I'll be laughing out loud
I'll be laughing with everyone I see
Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all

Things to do before i die.

1. Continue being a vegetarian for atleast 10 years.
2. Try being vegan for 1 year.
3. Meet Steve-O.
4. Graduate High School.
5. Attend Flcc for 2 years for liberal arts.
6. Transfer to a college in Georgia or NC for Journalism.
7. Visit California.
8. Live in Portugal for atleast a year.
9. Adopt a Korean child.
10. Learn how to fluently speak Portuguese.
11. Swim in the Mediteranian Sea.
12. Pet a whale.
13. Go bunjee jumping.
14. Go fourwheeling in the snow.
15. Visit Israel.
16. Try a twinkie.
17. Skydive with a friend.
18. Go to atleast 8 countries.
19. Grow my hair.
20. Attend a professional painting class.
21. Learn how to play violin.
22. Ride a mule.
23. Wrestle a gorilla.
24. Watch fireworks with the love of my life.
25. Try out for American Idol.
26. One up everything 'she' does.
27. Pet or ride an elephant.
28. Swim with a dolphin.
29. Go fourwheeling with my brother and dad in pennsylvania.
30. Make ammends with my family.
31. Have a boy and name him Hunter.
32. Or have a girl named Theadora.
33. Develop a special bond with my nephew, Jaiden Michael.
34. Meet Ke$ha.
35. Attend cooking classes.
36. Keep a friend for a life time.
37. Meet the Jackass crew.
38. Ride a horse.
39. Ride a fourwheeler over water and not sink.
40. Have an hour conversation with my sister Ashley.
41. Pet a monkey.
42. Go to Tilt night club.
43. Shake a transvestites hand.
44. Kiss a snake.
45. Dance to a country song with jason alden.
46. Wear a bunny costume.
47. Travel to London.
48. Get married.
49. Find a wild blueberrie bush.
And 50. Find happiness.

070811.

Yesterday was my 3rd day without consuming meat.

I had my friends Cassie and Carly over today. We crashed our fourwheeler. We got cigarettes from my neighbor. And oh, we caugh a stray baby kitten.

As we were walking home from my neighbors I realized that my dog was no where to be found. I turned around to look for him and he was standing there and had a baby kitten cornered. I yelled to my friend Cassie "come pick this kitten up!" So she walked over, leaned forward, and picked her up. She didn't scratch. She didn't bite. She just let us pick her up. That was when I fell in love. She is so adorable.<3

7/7/11.

So today I worked...came home...ate....and now I'm about to enjoy a nice book.

I like reading. For some reason, reading a good book helps me hold on to the small piece of sanity I have left. Reading keeps my mind clear and calm.

When I read a book, it feems like I'm escaping reality. Its like jumping out of my life and into someone elses. Man, I really like that feeling. I like having the power to escape my life anytime I want and live in someone elses shoes. And when I finish the book, I move onto another.

I don't always like to read though. I'm an intensively indecisive person so I can never make up my mind which thing I enjoy more. Either I'm laying in my bed watching American Dad; or spilling out my emotions onto paper either by drawing what I feel or writing it, or I'm reading a book, or I'm blogging, or I'm swimming, or I'm riding the fourwheeler and trying to do wheelies, or I'm painting.

I just don't stop. I always have to keep busy because of my hair pulling. And I've been doing a real good job at it. Still picking now and again but not nearly as bad as before. I've had this damn life ruining disease for about 7 years now and its intensity is finally slowing down.

Another thing about me; I hate change. Absolutely despise it. But I like to change myself... but when things change around me I go bizzurk. I just don't know how to deal with change.

My most recent life altering decision was deciding to become a vegetarian. I didn't want to die without trying to make the world a better place. Animals don't deserve to be anally electracuted and skinned. I wouldn't like it if someone did that to me and my family.

Its been 2 days and I haven't consumed an ounce of meat. I plan on doing this for a long time.

I suppose ill enjoy my book now. Todays reading.... "Beatle meets Destiny.".

Goodnight everyone.

Tattoos I want.

Right where it is.

On ankle.

Right where it is.

Just some things.

I've decided to start writing every day.
Even if nothing happens, i'll write my feelings, my thoughts, and my concerns.

Today I was riding in the car with my mom and for some reason I finally realized that no one can tell you who to be. Today, at 3:45 pm, I finally figured out who I was.

I am simply a 'thing' that was put on this earth as a test. And this 'thing' that I call myself is made up of several components.

Determination. The urge to better myself and the world each passing day. Self- Respect. And Independence.

I was seven when I finally realized how big of a trait my determination really was. I was sitting at the pool with my big brother. I was drinking Root Beer with him with our feet in the water, and he pushed me in. As I frantically came up from under the water I will never forget the look on his face. He look horrified. He knew what I would do before I had even processed what happened. He ran off the deck and I chased him around the house 17 times, and when I finally tackled him, I said- "Do you wanna just have me push you in now or later?" He never pushed me in the pool again.

I believe I was either 11 or 12 when I realized how much I want to make a difference in the world. I always wondered why my cousin never ate meat but I never had the courage to ask her. It turns out she was a vegatarian. I never understood why, meat tasted fantastic. Until she sat down and told me how they get the meat. Every day since then has been a constant struggle to not eat meat, always failing. Today is the day I didn't eat meat at all. I am so proud of myself. Hopefully this will go on for a while.

I've always had some type of Self Respect. It just got stronger as I grew older. I have never been one to let people walk all over me. I am not afraid to tell someone when I don't like something or when I think something is wrong with what they are doing. I refuse to let people take advantage of me and that has been a trait of mine for as long as I can remember.

Being independent is something I learned over time. I will never ask for help. And I strongly believe that I can make it on my own- without a man, without friends, without family. But I would, at some point in my life- like to fall in love. God willing, I will find someone who accepts me for who I am.

A unique girl who will laugh at anything, stand up for someone she doesn't know, be the one who does a wheely on the fourwheeler or a backflip into the pool when everyone else is scared- i'm the girl who stays to herself in the corner. I'm the girl u wont see. I'm the girl who will blow your mind if you just get to know me.

I promise you that.

Dear Dad.

Tomorrow is Fathers Day.

Derrick, Jaiden, Broghan, Meghan, and Nick will inhabit the Enright household.

As soon as I saw you hold your grandson for the first time, I felt myself breathe again. A giant weight was lifted from my shoulders that day. No more War. I wondered if you ever looked at me the way you looked at Jaiden. I wonder if you ever loved me as much. I wonder if you ever loved any of my brothers or sisters as much as you seem to love Jaiden. You are completely infatuated with the 2 year old that seemed to brighten everyone's life to a maximum;; and you hardly even know him. But despite all the circumstances, I'm glad.

All I've ever wanted was to be an Aunt. Being an Aunt has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember. Now I finally get the chance. I love you, Jaiden Michael; to the moon & back;; to peices and whole again;; from the soles of my feet to the top of my head.

But this blog post is not about me. It's about you, dad.
I really don't remember a time when we have gone without fighting. People who know you and I tell me we act like brother and sister. You get on my last nerve, and I get on yours. We call eachother names, say things we don't mean, and you take things from me. But if it weren't for you;;- There are many things I wouldn't know how to do.




For example. Riding a bike would seem impossible without you, let alone a fourwheeler.
Mowing the lawn flawlessy would be a giant challenge.
Putting the cups and glasses away on the right shelves would be an obstacle I'd hate to do.
Making people laugh would take too much effort.
Getting mad at inanimate objects and making no sense would seem bizzare.
The thought of popping a wheely would horrify me, let alone doing it for the first time- over and over.
And Loving my family, would seem pointless- but you taught me different than that.


There are things that make us the same, inside and out. These things include;;
Our attempts at making people laugh never seem to fail.
Being a giant douche bag and then laughing at eachother for it.
Our toes.
The way we view the world. Everyone sucks.
Our stubborness, which has caused thousands of quarrels.
And our love for your grandson, and my nephew.

But there are things that, during time, I have adapted to and learned on my own, without you. These things make us far different from eachother.

My love for animals is far greater than the love I have for a human being.
Trying to be the motherly figure to friends in need.
Being enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination, when you have trouble writing your name :)
My love for thousands of types of music.
My determination.


Smash all those things together and you have You and I.
Happy Fathers Day, Dad.
I love you.
No matter what you might think.

Birthday boy.

I can't believe my nephew will be 2 in almost 2 weeks!
I went to K-mart today to pick out some of his stuff- ended up getting several things, but something caught my eye. Does anyone remember those sock monkeys? Well i found a sock panda- and I spruced it up a bit.!


It is supposed to be a symbol of how close to my heart he is. I will be getting more stuff- but i need ideas!

things you should know.

I find myself awake at 11:31 on Sunday night.
I feel the need to share some random but important things about myself with you.

#1. I love my family more than anything else in this world, like most people do.

#2. I am obsessed with Elephants- to me, an elephant shows a sign of strength and dignity. My first tattoo will be an elephant on my wrist to represent how important those two things are to me.

#3. I absolutely adore my puppy, Chester Derrick Enright. He is a pomeranian/chihuahua mix. His middle name is my brothers name, another important person to me.

#4. I am absolutely horrified of Clowns. Don't ask why. It has been my greatest fear for as long as I can remember.

#5. Writing is my passion (obviously). Sometimes I find myself with no other way out, so I guess you could say, writing has saved my life more times than I can count.

#6. I never ask for help. I used to always rely on others but that only left me miserable. I refuse to ask for help because to me, it is a sign of my weakness that I refuse to let show.

#7. I have 2 older brothers, 3 older sisters, and 1 little brother. All of which are very dear to my heart, although some of them have gone seperate ways.

#8. I am Portuguese. And I am very proud to be apart of the Meisch/Couto family. I am not ashamed to say that my Great Grandmother was an illegal immigrant from Portugal. Some day, I hope to move to Portugal and live there.

#9. I am a very lost human being. I will never let this be seen. I try to keep myself bound together as tight as I possibly can- but to be honest, I have no idea where I am going in life or what I am going to do. I have no plan. I am just letting life throw things at me and i'm dealing with them as best as I possibly can.

#10. When I was 10, I was diagnosed with a nervous disorder called Trichotillomania. It causes me to pick at my hair. I still have it. I wear a wig, and have been made fun of every day of my life for it since 5th grade. I want more than anything to be like everyone else, although I know I never will. I am more ashamed than anyone will ever know, another thing i will not let show.

#11.I try to be as independent as I can. I hope one day I will be confident in knowing that I can take care of and support myself without help from a man. I do not and never have seen myself with a man for long term or starting a family.

#12. I am extremely creative. Give me a simple assignment and I will go above and beyond to make sure that my creation is nothing like anything you've ever seen.

#13. My brain is always turning, always thinking of possibilities, always hoping, always wondering, always dreaming. That's the best way I can put it.

#14. I over-examine EVERYTHING. I blame it on my paranoia.

#15. I believe in civil disobedience and non-violence. War only makes everything worse. I'm confident with this because I often find myself at War with myself--- I never win.

#16. My other greatest fear (besides clowns) is losing a sibling. I can't even fathom the immensity of the pain I will feel and the thought of it horrifies me. My siblings are my greatest allies and I will fight an army off for any one of them. The love I have for my siblings could withstand the loss of a parent, divorce, and quarrel.

#17. I love god. Two weeks ago my greatest prayer was answered; i know now that miracles do exsist. I thank god EVERYDAY for bringing my big brother back into my life. <3

#18. I don't have many friends. I like it this way. I've always felt content with having fewer friends than greater. Don't ask why.

#19. I believe that there are worlds beyond ours. I believe that there are others out there trying to find a way to get in to our world. I believe that there is a species FAR more intelligent than we can even begin to imagine.

#20. A friend once told me that I am a selfless person. Which I didn't believe at first. Here's a secret, I would rather kill a human being than kill an animal. But I also care more about others more than I care about myself. I can be selfish too, but it's human nature.

It's hard to explain me with words. You really just need to get to know me. Which will be hard to do, but I believe that I am worth every second.

It's been a while.

Hello. It's been a while since i've written. Good things have been happening to me, it took me some time to write about them because i'm scared if i wrote about them too quickly, they would just dissapear.

I finally got a job at Wegmans, and I got my permit.
So my life is starting to run on it's own track rather than everyone elses.
And it feels kind of.....nice. (knock on wood).

I've started to gain my social life back. Now that I have it back i finally realized how much i truely missed it. And yet, i'm still scared.

My long lost brother, has finally come back to us. Finally come back to my family. The brother who two months ago, i would've given anything to see or talk to one last time. And now that he's back,- oddly, i don't really feel like i've gained anything. I wish my brother would take me into his arms and embrace me and apologize for the lost time- but that will never happen. I'm finding it hard to forget everything that happened and just take him back into my life as if nothing ever happened- he makes it look easy. but time will tell.

The color of the moon doesn't seem the same to me anymore- i've learned to look at the world in different ways than always sad and dark. The world isn't that bad. I've finally realized that maybe the reason I wasn't happy is because I never gave myself the chance to let good come to me. I would push it away every chance I got.


I've realized that i've got plenty to look forward to in life;
- I graduate next year.
-College (Art Academy of San Fransico)
-Spending time with my brothers and sisters.
-Getting to know my nephew, Jaiden Michael.
-Watching my little cousins grow up.
-Having a family of my own, one day.
-Living.

I've got alot I could worry about. But I won't. What's the point? Right?

.

Today is Easter. I find myself thinking of my brother, again. I remember how things used to be before all the chaos. When theres no one left to tell, i keep it to myself.

Nothing will ever be the same without you here.
Ever.

pride will tear us both apart.

I'm at war with myself again. My life has gone from bad to worse in a matter of days. I should've been able to see this coming from a mile away, why I didn't is beyond me. Everything I touch breaks. Everyone I love leaves me. Everything I care about ends up being fake. And everything I wish could be real will never exist.

At this point I'm pretty sure that nothing in my life will ever get better. Writing and music are all I have. I was so stupid for thinking that things would ever work out. Im literally at a loss for words. There is so much I could say but for some reason i can't type it out. Everytime i try it turns out like this;

jksdlfjsdlfjldfjlsdfjlsdfl;fweur08urdfjlsdfjlsdfjl;ajofiodgnfgf.
one big mess that i call my life.

i just wish i had one person that i could share my heart with but at the same time i feel like im better off on my own. im stuckk at a cross road again. my heart and my mind want different things again, but my pride will tear them both apart. pride will tear my life apart. or maybe it already has.

stuck in the narrows.

Annoyed.

If I could use one word to describe how I feel about my life right now it would be that.
I feel like I'm runnin' circles. I can't seem to do anything and actually complete it. I. just. don't. care. I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. I wish I could take it all back. Everything I've ever said or done to make my siblings hate me so much. Or maybe i'll go back in time and stop myself from making excuses of why they aren't around. Its all just a waste of time. Today I found myself pondering the thought of why i'm even alive on more than one occasion. And now I really do wonder why. Why am I here? Every step I take goes backwards, i don't know what i'm headed towards.


So wake me up when its over.

I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough for anyone. I just wish there was someone I could share my heart with. To share my secrets with. Theres always my little cousin. But sometimes cousins can't fix broken hearts. I feel like writing is all I have. Hell, I feel alot of things.

Confusion.
Uncertainty.
Scared.
Frustrated.
Annoyed.

ALONE;

that word 'alone' lingers in my brain all day, everyday. it constantly haunts me and distracts me from living my life. so instead, i'm stuck in a nightmare...alone.

there's no time for someone to save me.

Hello, Depression. How nice of you to visit me again.

Somehow, my life has spontaniously been flip-turned upside down. Everything seems backwards. I no longer attend Williamson High School. I attend Williamson Alternative High School. And I attend it with some of the craziest people I know. <3 But I've been starting to realize... maybe leaving High School wasn't enough? What if it wasn't quite enough to save myself.

I packed my bags again. I walked out my front door, and realized that I can't run away. I will NEVER be able to escape myself. The thought of that horrifies me. My mind is incredibly dangerous when i'm left alone. If I dissapeared, would anyone notice? Or would I just be another misunderstooden soul that silently faded into the darkness. I certainly hope for the best. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm stuck between being scared and not knowing. I'm stuck between the 'why's' and the 'what if's'.

My life is a joke. Pathetic. If I was someone other than myself, i would laugh at the thought of me. Sickening. Dull. Empty. I JUST WANT TO BE FREE. Sometimes I just wish this world would sink in the sea. I've been thinking of my little brother alot lately. I'm terrified for him. I know he has a mind of his own, but he is still developing a sense of right and wrong. I hope he ends up the opposite of me. I would never want him to go through what i have. The thought of that breaks my heart. My little brother means the world to me. If anything ever happened to him, I could never deal with it. If he ever left this earth, god forbid, i would probably try to leave to. I can't stand the thought of my life without him.

I want to reach out for help, but at the same time- i'm scared. I'm always scared. I don't know whats wrong with me but i know somethings not right. Actually, i'm not sure if anything is 'right'.
I feel torn apart from limb to limb. I don't know what to do. Help.