I'm sorry. Is that what you want to hear?

I guess I'll have to set my pride aside and be the first to say "I can't live without you in my life."
I never meant to hurt you. I need you, I miss you, I love you. Yada Yada. My life just isn't the same without you in it. You have always been like the little sister I never had but always wanted. I'm truely ashamed of myself for setting that kind of example for you. I can be a horrible person sometimes, I hate it. I wish I was different, really. I wish I was an entirely different person so you didn't have to deal with me. I just want you to know how much you mean to me. I don't want us to be like Danielle and Jamie. Thats the not the type of relationship we have. I know your ready. Your just scared, and i'm here to tell you; You don't have to be. You are such an enormous part of my life and without you, there is a gaping hole in my heart, there is a huge part of my life that is missing. You have been more of a sibling to me than any of my real siblings have been. But it's not just you i'm sorry to. I'm GREATLY apologetic to Jamie. I shouldn't have wrote about Lexi that was totally out of line. I love her and I adore her kids. I can't live without you guys in my life. Caleb has always filled the hole in my heart where Jaiden was supposed to be. I cry every night hoping things will get better. I'm sorry to you, Aunt Kathy. I really disrespected your family and I am sorry for being an asshole. You have done nothing but give me a place to stay when I needed one. You would feed me when you could barely feed your family. So I guess i'm sorry to all the Mccarthys.


You guys are the only family I have. Please forgive me.
Especially you, Bethy. I feel like I have really let you down and hurt you so deeply.

Give me a second chance.?
Even though we both know I don't deserve it.

I miss you.

it's official.

I am obsessed with Steve-O.

Songs of the day; For you, Bethany.

Change my attempt good intentions...

Crouched over
You were not there
Living in fear
But signs were not really that scarce
Obvious tears
And I will not
Hide you through this
I want you to help
Please see
The bleeding heart perched on my shirt

Die, withdraw
Hide in cold sweat
Quivering lips
Ignore remorse
Naming a kid, living wasteland
This time you've tried
All that you can turning you red

Change my attempt good intentions
Should I, could I
Here we are with your obsession
Should I, could I

Crowned hopeless
The article read living wasteland
This time you've tried
All that you can turning you red
but I will not
Hide you through this
I want you to help

Change my attempt good intentions
Should I, could I

Here we are with your obsession
Should I, could I

Heave the silver hollow sliver
Piercing through another victim
Turn and tremble be judgmental
Ignorant to all the symbols
Blind the face with beauty paste
Eventually you'll one day know

Change my attempt good intentions
Limbs tied, skin tight
Self inflicted his perdition

Should I, could I
Change my attempt good intentions
Should I, could I
Should I, could I











I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh, god it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home sitting all alone inside your head

How do you feel? That is the question
But I forget.. you don't expect an easy answer
When something like a soul becomes
Initialized and folded up like

paper dolls and little notes
You can't expect a bit of hope
So while you're outside looking in
Describing what you see
Remember what you're staring at is me

Cause I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
When no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

How much is real? So much to question
An epidemic of the mannequins
Contaminating everything
When thought came from the heart
It never did right from the start
Just listen to the noises
(Null and void instead of voices)
Before you tell yourself
It's just a different scene
Remember it's just different from what you've seen

I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
And all I know is that it feels like forever
When no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That shine for you
And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That lie to you.. yeah-ah

I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh, god it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your heaaaaddd

And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That shine for you.. yeah-ah
And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That lie to you.. yeah-ah

And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That shine for you.. yeah-ah
And it's the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That lie to you.. yeah-ah yeah

Ohhhoh when the starrs
Ohhh oh when the starrrrs that liieee

An Aeroplane over the Sea; for you.

What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round the sun
What a beautiful dream
That could flash on the screen
In a blink of an eye and be gone from me
Soft and sweet
Let me hold it close and keep it here with me

And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see
Love to be
In the arms of all I'm keeping here with me

What a curious life we have found here tonight
There is music that sounds from the street
There are lights in the clouds
Anna's ghost all around
Hear her voice as it's rolling and ringing through me
Soft and sweet
How the notes all bend and reach above the trees

Now how I remember you
How I would push my fingers through
Your mouth to make those muscles move
That made your voice so smooth and sweet
And now we keep where we don't know
All secrets sleep in winter clothes
With one you loved so long ago
Now he don't even know his name

What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round the sun
And when we meet on a cloud
I'll be laughing out loud
I'll be laughing with everyone I see
Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all

Things to do before i die.

1. Continue being a vegetarian for atleast 10 years.
2. Try being vegan for 1 year.
3. Meet Steve-O.
4. Graduate High School.
5. Attend Flcc for 2 years for liberal arts.
6. Transfer to a college in Georgia or NC for Journalism.
7. Visit California.
8. Live in Portugal for atleast a year.
9. Adopt a Korean child.
10. Learn how to fluently speak Portuguese.
11. Swim in the Mediteranian Sea.
12. Pet a whale.
13. Go bunjee jumping.
14. Go fourwheeling in the snow.
15. Visit Israel.
16. Try a twinkie.
17. Skydive with a friend.
18. Go to atleast 8 countries.
19. Grow my hair.
20. Attend a professional painting class.
21. Learn how to play violin.
22. Ride a mule.
23. Wrestle a gorilla.
24. Watch fireworks with the love of my life.
25. Try out for American Idol.
26. One up everything 'she' does.
27. Pet or ride an elephant.
28. Swim with a dolphin.
29. Go fourwheeling with my brother and dad in pennsylvania.
30. Make ammends with my family.
31. Have a boy and name him Hunter.
32. Or have a girl named Theadora.
33. Develop a special bond with my nephew, Jaiden Michael.
34. Meet Ke$ha.
35. Attend cooking classes.
36. Keep a friend for a life time.
37. Meet the Jackass crew.
38. Ride a horse.
39. Ride a fourwheeler over water and not sink.
40. Have an hour conversation with my sister Ashley.
41. Pet a monkey.
42. Go to Tilt night club.
43. Shake a transvestites hand.
44. Kiss a snake.
45. Dance to a country song with jason alden.
46. Wear a bunny costume.
47. Travel to London.
48. Get married.
49. Find a wild blueberrie bush.
And 50. Find happiness.

070811.

Yesterday was my 3rd day without consuming meat.

I had my friends Cassie and Carly over today. We crashed our fourwheeler. We got cigarettes from my neighbor. And oh, we caugh a stray baby kitten.

As we were walking home from my neighbors I realized that my dog was no where to be found. I turned around to look for him and he was standing there and had a baby kitten cornered. I yelled to my friend Cassie "come pick this kitten up!" So she walked over, leaned forward, and picked her up. She didn't scratch. She didn't bite. She just let us pick her up. That was when I fell in love. She is so adorable.<3

7/7/11.

So today I worked...came home...ate....and now I'm about to enjoy a nice book.

I like reading. For some reason, reading a good book helps me hold on to the small piece of sanity I have left. Reading keeps my mind clear and calm.

When I read a book, it feems like I'm escaping reality. Its like jumping out of my life and into someone elses. Man, I really like that feeling. I like having the power to escape my life anytime I want and live in someone elses shoes. And when I finish the book, I move onto another.

I don't always like to read though. I'm an intensively indecisive person so I can never make up my mind which thing I enjoy more. Either I'm laying in my bed watching American Dad; or spilling out my emotions onto paper either by drawing what I feel or writing it, or I'm reading a book, or I'm blogging, or I'm swimming, or I'm riding the fourwheeler and trying to do wheelies, or I'm painting.

I just don't stop. I always have to keep busy because of my hair pulling. And I've been doing a real good job at it. Still picking now and again but not nearly as bad as before. I've had this damn life ruining disease for about 7 years now and its intensity is finally slowing down.

Another thing about me; I hate change. Absolutely despise it. But I like to change myself... but when things change around me I go bizzurk. I just don't know how to deal with change.

My most recent life altering decision was deciding to become a vegetarian. I didn't want to die without trying to make the world a better place. Animals don't deserve to be anally electracuted and skinned. I wouldn't like it if someone did that to me and my family.

Its been 2 days and I haven't consumed an ounce of meat. I plan on doing this for a long time.

I suppose ill enjoy my book now. Todays reading.... "Beatle meets Destiny.".

Goodnight everyone.

Tattoos I want.

Right where it is.

On ankle.

Right where it is.

Just some things.

I've decided to start writing every day.
Even if nothing happens, i'll write my feelings, my thoughts, and my concerns.

Today I was riding in the car with my mom and for some reason I finally realized that no one can tell you who to be. Today, at 3:45 pm, I finally figured out who I was.

I am simply a 'thing' that was put on this earth as a test. And this 'thing' that I call myself is made up of several components.

Determination. The urge to better myself and the world each passing day. Self- Respect. And Independence.

I was seven when I finally realized how big of a trait my determination really was. I was sitting at the pool with my big brother. I was drinking Root Beer with him with our feet in the water, and he pushed me in. As I frantically came up from under the water I will never forget the look on his face. He look horrified. He knew what I would do before I had even processed what happened. He ran off the deck and I chased him around the house 17 times, and when I finally tackled him, I said- "Do you wanna just have me push you in now or later?" He never pushed me in the pool again.

I believe I was either 11 or 12 when I realized how much I want to make a difference in the world. I always wondered why my cousin never ate meat but I never had the courage to ask her. It turns out she was a vegatarian. I never understood why, meat tasted fantastic. Until she sat down and told me how they get the meat. Every day since then has been a constant struggle to not eat meat, always failing. Today is the day I didn't eat meat at all. I am so proud of myself. Hopefully this will go on for a while.

I've always had some type of Self Respect. It just got stronger as I grew older. I have never been one to let people walk all over me. I am not afraid to tell someone when I don't like something or when I think something is wrong with what they are doing. I refuse to let people take advantage of me and that has been a trait of mine for as long as I can remember.

Being independent is something I learned over time. I will never ask for help. And I strongly believe that I can make it on my own- without a man, without friends, without family. But I would, at some point in my life- like to fall in love. God willing, I will find someone who accepts me for who I am.

A unique girl who will laugh at anything, stand up for someone she doesn't know, be the one who does a wheely on the fourwheeler or a backflip into the pool when everyone else is scared- i'm the girl who stays to herself in the corner. I'm the girl u wont see. I'm the girl who will blow your mind if you just get to know me.

I promise you that.